An Unexpected Spring Conversation

Ahhhh spring.  The time of longer days, warmer temperatures, and flowering colours.  This time of the year always reminds me of the cycle of life.  Tired energy transformed to renewed vitality.  Hibernation and hiding giving way to a fresh outside exploration of the natural world.  And death, in all its many metaphorical and literal ways, give way to life.  I love spring.  I have recently begun to engage in an unexpected conversation.  A conversation that I would have never dreamed possible even a few years ago.  As many of you know, I was involved in Exodus International, an ex-gay organization that is in ministry for those with an unwanted same sex sexual orientation.  I attended back in the mid-1990s in Oklahoma City, and at that time, a change in sexual orientation was promised.  I eventually left that organization when I began to accept the grace that my same sex attractions are good and holy and God-given.  The task at hand for me was to discern how to live out my life - just like everyone else - in ways that are ethical, authentic, committed, and above all loving.  Recently, a group of us who were once a part of Exodus but have since left are now engaging in conversations with some of the current leadership at Exodus International.  The mission of Exodus has changed since I was involved, and the leaders are wanting to listen to our stories.  Listen to the hurts and frustrations that we experienced while at Exodus.  We in turn are listening to them as well, and engaging in good discourse.  These conversations have just started and are still at an early stage.  They are in the spring cycle.  And I am hopeful and encouraged by the listening and the sharing by all of us.

As you can imagine, there are several sticking points along the way in these conversations.  Theological and philosophical differences as well as differences in our understanding of the Bible have come up and will continue to come up as we listen.  And it's very tempting for me to want to change the minds and hearts of these Exodus leaders.  But the gifts I am receiving from Buddhism are teaching me to detach from outcomes.  This totally goes against my western cultural upbringing as well as against my free enterprise spirit.  In business, you do a certain number of sales calls and marketing activities to generate profits.  Actions = results.  Outcomes. So I've been challenged to live with a detachment to outcomes.  In these spring conversations with Exodus as we continue to speak our truth and listen to the truth of others, I am reminded to refrain from any expectation or manipulation of any kind, including expecting an outcome of policy change on the part of Exodus. I'm reminded to be less interested in having a particular outcome, and more interested in being faithful.  Faithful to my call as a Christian.  Faithful to tell my story.  Faithful to speak for the LGBTQ community.  Faithful to encourage all people to live into their full capacity as loving, Light-filled human beings.  This release of outcomes doesn't mean I mince words or stay away from difficult conversations or refuse to take stands.  A relinquishing of outcomes empowers me to be faithful.  And as I live in faithfulness and integrity, I walk in peace and security and experience a lightness of being on my journey.  The striving is over.  The pressure for an outcome is gone.  Love, compassion, and understanding begin to flow more freely through me.    

So who knows how this spring of new conversations will end.  Or continue.  Or become something totally unexpected and beautiful that none of us envisioned.  I just know that today, I'm enjoying the renewed connections I'm making.  And I'm enjoying the journey as it is right now.  Happy Spring to everyone.