Reflections Of An Ex-Ex Gay

For people who experience unwanted same sex attractions, ex-gay ministries profess to offer freedom and healing from those attractions. The people who attend these ministries are called "ex-gays". For people who attend those ministries and find freedom and healing albeit not from same sex attractions, but freedom and healing in accepting who they are are called "ex-ex gays" because they typically leave the ex-gay ministries. I am in the latter group. And tonight as an ex-ex-gay, I am pondering that very significant part of my journey and I am giving thanks.

After a marriage that fell apart due to my same sex attractions that I had kept a secret since 7th grade, the ex-gay ministry in Oklahoma City called First Stone Ministries was for me a God-send. An answer to prayer. An oasis. A chance to be healed and cleansed and "fixed". A chance to be normal. And most importantly, a chance to order my life so that I could fully honour God. First Stone Ministries is a referral ministry and part of Exodus International, the largest ex-gay organization in the world. So I went in the ex-gay ministry excited. Expectant. Open. Willing. Grateful to have this chance to finally get the monkey of same sex attraction off my back. So over a period of about 15 months, I threw myself into my "healing" as I called it. Once a week individual counseling. Plus once a week group counseling. And at one point, once a week therapy with a psychologist. Sharing my secret. Crying many tears as I released the hurt of carrying this burden silently for 17 years. Voicing the hope I desired for normalcy. Sharing my fears. Sharing my yearnings for freedom. There's that word again...freedom. I listened to other fellow strugglers. And I began to change. I began to experience healing in my life as I shared freely with other receptive hearts. Up to this point, I only shared what was acceptable. What was in line with accepted theology. But this sharing with the ex-gays was deep. Real. Earthy. Gutteral. Messy. And as my authentic self slowly began to emerge and be set free as I claimed the truth, change was all around me. The odd thing was that my same sex attractions were about the only thing that wasn't changing. Oh I was told that change was certain - just keep praying, keep talking, keep sharing, keep an open heart. So I continued to do these things. But after 15 months, the grace of God broke through as it finally dawned on me that this is who I am. And I'm not supposed to change my sexuality. The question for me was how do I honour God with my entire being, including my homosexuality? So I left and became an ex-ex-gay. Leaving that Exodus ex-gay ministry was the hardest decision I have ever made. For in that leaving, I felt I was leaving God. But God is so faithful and is with us even when we aren't aware of it. And over the next 4 years through prayer, Bible study, theological reflection, study, tears, laughter, and most importantly planting myself firmly in the midst of a new kind of Christian community, I was able to fully reconcile myself as both gay and Christian.

It's been over 16 years since my involvement with ex-gay ministries. So what are my reflections this evening on my whole ex-gay experience? One of gratitude. One of thankfulness. One of appreciation. While I wholeheartedly disagree with the philosophy of ex-gay ministries, I am forever grateful for those people who took in a scared young evangelical man who realized he might be gay, and held him as he cried. They provided a forum for me to speak my truth for the first time. They offered a safe space to unload years and years of secrets and shame and fear. When the church I was working in asked me to leave, these beautiful people at the ex-gay ministry asked me to stay with them. Sincere in their devotion, they modeled for me the loving, welcoming arms of Jesus. Even though I believe they are sincerely wrong in their mission to try to change sexual orientation, you'll never hear me bash them. When most of the evangelical church judged them for their work with gay people, they heard the call of Christ to love. And their faithful witness has forever shaped me.

So an an ex-ex gay, I am thankful. Thankful I escaped the terrible deception of change therapy. Thankful that I am changed and healed in many areas of my life. Thankful that I still have a vibrant, passionate faith - not the faith of my childhood to be sure, but a true faith that has gone through the fire and not only survived, but is thriving. And thankful that for 15 months of my life, I was privileged to know the men and women of First Stone Ministries in Oklahoma City who took me in and helped me become the man I am today.

Abundance

During this season of Lent, I have been co-leading a discussion group made up of younger adults from our church. After church, we meet for a shared meal, prayer, singing, and engage in questions and conversations around the sermon topic that morning. This morning's sermon was on "Jesus - the Bread of Life". In our discussions, we spent some time talking about abundance and what that looks like for us. Jesus was certainly about abundant living. From the marriage of Cana with unlimited amounts of wine to the miracle stories that helped people live into their abundance to the feeding of the 5000, Jesus lived abundantly. I have been carrying that conversation with me all day long today. Abundance. The abundant life. In a world of fear, distrust, and scarcity, what does living the abundant life look like for me? I believe abundance does not equate to greed, unhealthy excess, or selfishness. Most of the time, abundance is all around us; often hidden in the "normal" everyday routines of our life. In our coming and going. We often miss the abundance waiting to be discovered or we mistakenly view our life from a lens of scarcity, not realizing the abundance that we experience everyday. When we make the shift from living our life from a place of scarcity to a place of abundance , our entire world changes. Instead of holding tightly, we hold loosely. Instead of struggling and striving, we relax. Instead of grabbing on, we let go. Instead of clinched fists, we have open hands. The lens of abundance must be firmly rooted in the absolute certainty that no matter where we are in our life - no matter the struggle, the sorrow, the loss, the joy, the celebration, the pain, the questioning, the transitions, or the beauty - we are always cared for and there will always be enough for us and others. We are always cared for and there is always enough.

In considering the abundance I have in my life as part of my Lenten practice, I want to list some of them as an expression of gratitude and as encouragement for all of us to see our abundance and then to consider how we might share and help others live in abundance as well.

1. For my partner David, who models for me a life rich in service and love for others. He allows me to be who I am and makes me a better person.
2. For our 2 dogs Jim and Bob who have brought such an abundance of joy to our lives.
3. For our home. At just 550-ish sq ft, my home is a haven from the outside world and a touch of heaven on earth. Filled with laughter, music, joy, openness, and comfort, I wouldn't trade it for anything! I have an abundance in home.
4. For my spiritual community.
5. For sexuality.
6. For the riches of friends. I surround myself with an abundance of friends who support, love, challenge, comfort, laugh and cry with me. Who celebrate with me in good times, and who carry me and cry with me in tough times. Who are there at every stage of the journey. And who always call me and cheer me on to live my highest and best life.
7. For the absolute awesome gift of music that is around me in abundance.
8. For wise business partners who allow me to fail in order to succeed.
9. For an abundance of embodied spiritual practices, including singing, chanting, meditation, and yoga.
10. For a strong physical body that allows me to move through my life with ease.
11. For breath - that pranayama that connects us with every living thing.
12. For the beauty of the physical body.
13. For the abundance of occasions when the bank account is very low, reminding me that life does not only consist in my possessions.
14. For a city abundant in mountains, ocean, and forests.
15. For handfuls of abundant cherry blossoms.
16. For the abundance of times I've had the feeling of glee when that first ray of sunlight peaks from behind the clouds after days and weeks of rain.
17. For generous amounts of deep-down-in-my-soul unshakeable certainty that my best days are ahead of me.

The poem "Abundance" by Laura Barrette Shannon sums it up nicely:

You can not own
a shimmering sunset,
or crystal stars of night.
You can not own
a brilliant blowing breeze,
or the spark of sweet sunlight.

You can not keep
a fragrant floral scent,
or an infant's sleepy sigh.
You can not keep
love's first embrace,
or life's ecstatic highs.

You can not possess
that time which went by
before you were even born.
You can not possess
those memories made
long after you are gone.

So experience enjoyment
in each moment,
immerse in sight, sense, and sound.
Appreciate this world
for all that it is,
that's where abundance is found.