I've lost some good friends along life's way
Some loved ones departed in Heaven to stay
But thank God I didn't lose everything.
I've lost faith in people who said they care.
In the time of my crisis they were never there.
But in my disappointment in my season of pain:
One thing never wavered one thing never changed
I never lost my hope.
I never lost my joy.
I never lost my faith.
But most of all - I never lost my praise.
I've let some blessings slip away
And I lost my focus and went astray
But thank God I didn't lose everything.
I've lost possessions that were so dear.
And I've lost some battles by walking in fear.
But in the midst of my struggle, in my season of pain:
One thing never wavered, one thing never changed
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The words of this powerful song have touched me profoundly ever since I began to arrange it for the Gospel Choir at my church. I have been in a perpetual state of gratitude and joy over the last several weeks. These lyrics tell the story of my life ever since I knocked down that closet door and came out as a gay Christian. What follows is a modern-day psalm of thanksgiving for God's faithfulness in my life at every single turn of my amazing journey.
"I never lost my hope"....Shortly after leaving the Exodus ex-gay ministry in Oklahoma City, I remember reading a magazine article about gay Christians faithfully following Christ. I remember contacting the organization (Evangelicals Concerned) to get more information. And I distinctly remember receiving that first newsletter from EC. I began to weep. Tears of relief. Tears of healing. And tears of hope that maybe reconciliation of my sexuality and my God was possible........
"I never lost my joy".....the Psalms have been such a comfort to me on this journey. Two passages in particular have strengthed me: "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Ps 34:18) and "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning" (Ps 30:5). Even though I experienced incredible pain and sorrow at the hands of "good church folk", the joy of the Lord that sustains and supports was always there, navigating me through those dark nights of the soul.
"I never lost my faith"....I'm one of the few ex-gay survivors who still believe. I put my faith through the fire of questions and experience. And it survived. Authentic. Strong. Real. Vibrant. Not the faith of my childhood. Not even orthodox. But a living, breathing, joyful faith that is salvific in every sense of the word.
"But most of all, I never lost my praise"....this is perhaps the greatest blessing in my life. In spite of the rejection from members of the evangelical church, in spite of the dark nights of the soul, in spite of incredible personal pain, I never lost that sense of awe and wonder with life. I never lost that deep-in-my-soul optimism in every situation. I never lost my belief in the fundamental goodness of all people. In essence, I never lost my praise. I made peace with my God. I opened my heart to the many manifestations of Spirit in our world. And I continue to live in a place of gratitude and thanksgiving. Thanks be to God.
