It may not work for many marriages, but Mo'Nique says it works for her. She and her husband, Sidney Hicks, have an open marriage, though she claims she has never cheated on him. In an interview with Barbara Walters for her 29th annual Oscars special, Mo'Nique explained: “Do we have sex outside of the marriage? Let me say this. I have not had sex outside of my marriage with Sidney. Could I have sex outside of my marriage with Sidney? Yes. Could Sid have sex outside of his marriage with me? Yes. That’s not a deal breaker. That’s not something that we would say, ‘Oh my God because you were attracted to another person and because you happened to have sex let’s end the marriage.'" She went on to say "we’ve been best friends for- is it over 25 years? And we truly know who we are. Truly. Often times people get into marriages and they don’t know who they’re laying next to. I’m very comfortable and secure with my husband.”
I love authentic, real people that lay it on the line and speak truth, even when that truth will get them burned at the stake of public opinion. Mo'Nique has done that by sharing her marital arrangement with Barbara and the world. Instead of towing the prevailing cultural party line of monogamy when it comes to marriage, she has instead offered another valid path. Instead of lying to the public, she has very courageously, fearlessly, and truthfully shared her heart.
I believe that monogamy is a very appropriate and wonderful arrangement for marriage. I believe there are very good reasons why. And I believe the choice of monogamy should be absolutely honoured and affirmed. At the same time, monogamy is not the only choice when it comes to relationships. There are relationships in which varying degrees of openness work. And, like monogamy, those options should be honoured and affirmed as well.
A friend of mine who is involved in social work attests that many, many marriages are marked by deception when it comes to sexual ethics. Many marriages are "open" except one of the partners does not know that it's open. Surely there is a better way.
Sex is intrinsically powerful. Tricky. Delicate. Explosive. The path to healthy sexuality is ongoing and can be a bit elusive at times. But one thing I know: healthy relationships require complete honesty. And when functioning at their best, healthy relationships are life-giving. Questions such as "Is it honest?" and "Is it life-giving?" are very appropriate questions to ask when evaluating a relationship. What would our relationships and marriages look like if we measured them by the degree of honesty shown by the partners and by how life-giving and life-affirming the very nature of the union is itself? Instead of judging our relationships by such terms as monogamous or open, what if we judged our relationships by such terms as authentic, truthful, devoted, loving, and honest? I believe both monogamous and open relationships can exhibit these qualities. And I believe both monogamous and open realtionships can exhibit qualities that are dishonest, false, deceptive, and unloving.
My point with Mo'Nique is not to advocate for open marriage. My point is to envision a world in which all relationships - whether monogamous or not - are characterized by honesty, truthfulness, devotion, and amazing love. To let the question "Is this relationship life-giving?" be a key measuring rod for health. To dream of a culture that supports, nurtures, and encourages the realization of these positive values in all marriages.
The first step towards this dream is honesty. And Mo'Nique modeled that quality for us on Sunday night. I hope the conversation of truth-speaking continues.
