Reflections Of An Ex-Ex Gay

For people who experience unwanted same sex attractions, ex-gay ministries profess to offer freedom and healing from those attractions. The people who attend these ministries are called "ex-gays". For people who attend those ministries and find freedom and healing albeit not from same sex attractions, but freedom and healing in accepting who they are are called "ex-ex gays" because they typically leave the ex-gay ministries. I am in the latter group. And tonight as an ex-ex-gay, I am pondering that very significant part of my journey and I am giving thanks.

After a marriage that fell apart due to my same sex attractions that I had kept a secret since 7th grade, the ex-gay ministry in Oklahoma City called First Stone Ministries was for me a God-send. An answer to prayer. An oasis. A chance to be healed and cleansed and "fixed". A chance to be normal. And most importantly, a chance to order my life so that I could fully honour God. First Stone Ministries is a referral ministry and part of Exodus International, the largest ex-gay organization in the world. So I went in the ex-gay ministry excited. Expectant. Open. Willing. Grateful to have this chance to finally get the monkey of same sex attraction off my back. So over a period of about 15 months, I threw myself into my "healing" as I called it. Once a week individual counseling. Plus once a week group counseling. And at one point, once a week therapy with a psychologist. Sharing my secret. Crying many tears as I released the hurt of carrying this burden silently for 17 years. Voicing the hope I desired for normalcy. Sharing my fears. Sharing my yearnings for freedom. There's that word again...freedom. I listened to other fellow strugglers. And I began to change. I began to experience healing in my life as I shared freely with other receptive hearts. Up to this point, I only shared what was acceptable. What was in line with accepted theology. But this sharing with the ex-gays was deep. Real. Earthy. Gutteral. Messy. And as my authentic self slowly began to emerge and be set free as I claimed the truth, change was all around me. The odd thing was that my same sex attractions were about the only thing that wasn't changing. Oh I was told that change was certain - just keep praying, keep talking, keep sharing, keep an open heart. So I continued to do these things. But after 15 months, the grace of God broke through as it finally dawned on me that this is who I am. And I'm not supposed to change my sexuality. The question for me was how do I honour God with my entire being, including my homosexuality? So I left and became an ex-ex-gay. Leaving that Exodus ex-gay ministry was the hardest decision I have ever made. For in that leaving, I felt I was leaving God. But God is so faithful and is with us even when we aren't aware of it. And over the next 4 years through prayer, Bible study, theological reflection, study, tears, laughter, and most importantly planting myself firmly in the midst of a new kind of Christian community, I was able to fully reconcile myself as both gay and Christian.

It's been over 16 years since my involvement with ex-gay ministries. So what are my reflections this evening on my whole ex-gay experience? One of gratitude. One of thankfulness. One of appreciation. While I wholeheartedly disagree with the philosophy of ex-gay ministries, I am forever grateful for those people who took in a scared young evangelical man who realized he might be gay, and held him as he cried. They provided a forum for me to speak my truth for the first time. They offered a safe space to unload years and years of secrets and shame and fear. When the church I was working in asked me to leave, these beautiful people at the ex-gay ministry asked me to stay with them. Sincere in their devotion, they modeled for me the loving, welcoming arms of Jesus. Even though I believe they are sincerely wrong in their mission to try to change sexual orientation, you'll never hear me bash them. When most of the evangelical church judged them for their work with gay people, they heard the call of Christ to love. And their faithful witness has forever shaped me.

So an an ex-ex gay, I am thankful. Thankful I escaped the terrible deception of change therapy. Thankful that I am changed and healed in many areas of my life. Thankful that I still have a vibrant, passionate faith - not the faith of my childhood to be sure, but a true faith that has gone through the fire and not only survived, but is thriving. And thankful that for 15 months of my life, I was privileged to know the men and women of First Stone Ministries in Oklahoma City who took me in and helped me become the man I am today.

Abundance

During this season of Lent, I have been co-leading a discussion group made up of younger adults from our church. After church, we meet for a shared meal, prayer, singing, and engage in questions and conversations around the sermon topic that morning. This morning's sermon was on "Jesus - the Bread of Life". In our discussions, we spent some time talking about abundance and what that looks like for us. Jesus was certainly about abundant living. From the marriage of Cana with unlimited amounts of wine to the miracle stories that helped people live into their abundance to the feeding of the 5000, Jesus lived abundantly. I have been carrying that conversation with me all day long today. Abundance. The abundant life. In a world of fear, distrust, and scarcity, what does living the abundant life look like for me? I believe abundance does not equate to greed, unhealthy excess, or selfishness. Most of the time, abundance is all around us; often hidden in the "normal" everyday routines of our life. In our coming and going. We often miss the abundance waiting to be discovered or we mistakenly view our life from a lens of scarcity, not realizing the abundance that we experience everyday. When we make the shift from living our life from a place of scarcity to a place of abundance , our entire world changes. Instead of holding tightly, we hold loosely. Instead of struggling and striving, we relax. Instead of grabbing on, we let go. Instead of clinched fists, we have open hands. The lens of abundance must be firmly rooted in the absolute certainty that no matter where we are in our life - no matter the struggle, the sorrow, the loss, the joy, the celebration, the pain, the questioning, the transitions, or the beauty - we are always cared for and there will always be enough for us and others. We are always cared for and there is always enough.

In considering the abundance I have in my life as part of my Lenten practice, I want to list some of them as an expression of gratitude and as encouragement for all of us to see our abundance and then to consider how we might share and help others live in abundance as well.

1. For my partner David, who models for me a life rich in service and love for others. He allows me to be who I am and makes me a better person.
2. For our 2 dogs Jim and Bob who have brought such an abundance of joy to our lives.
3. For our home. At just 550-ish sq ft, my home is a haven from the outside world and a touch of heaven on earth. Filled with laughter, music, joy, openness, and comfort, I wouldn't trade it for anything! I have an abundance in home.
4. For my spiritual community.
5. For sexuality.
6. For the riches of friends. I surround myself with an abundance of friends who support, love, challenge, comfort, laugh and cry with me. Who celebrate with me in good times, and who carry me and cry with me in tough times. Who are there at every stage of the journey. And who always call me and cheer me on to live my highest and best life.
7. For the absolute awesome gift of music that is around me in abundance.
8. For wise business partners who allow me to fail in order to succeed.
9. For an abundance of embodied spiritual practices, including singing, chanting, meditation, and yoga.
10. For a strong physical body that allows me to move through my life with ease.
11. For breath - that pranayama that connects us with every living thing.
12. For the beauty of the physical body.
13. For the abundance of occasions when the bank account is very low, reminding me that life does not only consist in my possessions.
14. For a city abundant in mountains, ocean, and forests.
15. For handfuls of abundant cherry blossoms.
16. For the abundance of times I've had the feeling of glee when that first ray of sunlight peaks from behind the clouds after days and weeks of rain.
17. For generous amounts of deep-down-in-my-soul unshakeable certainty that my best days are ahead of me.

The poem "Abundance" by Laura Barrette Shannon sums it up nicely:

You can not own
a shimmering sunset,
or crystal stars of night.
You can not own
a brilliant blowing breeze,
or the spark of sweet sunlight.

You can not keep
a fragrant floral scent,
or an infant's sleepy sigh.
You can not keep
love's first embrace,
or life's ecstatic highs.

You can not possess
that time which went by
before you were even born.
You can not possess
those memories made
long after you are gone.

So experience enjoyment
in each moment,
immerse in sight, sense, and sound.
Appreciate this world
for all that it is,
that's where abundance is found.

The Blessing Of Advent

I think that in the church year, my favourite season is the season of Advent. Growing up in a more evangelical background, Advent was not emphasized much. We talked about Advent, but didn't really take the time to savour the gifts this season brings. I first discovered Advent at Epworth United Methodist Church in Oklahoma City. This wonderful community of faith introduced me to the Advent journey.

Advent is a time of waiting. Of anticipating. Of expectancy. Of opening wide one's heart to the Holy. Advent isn't simply a precursor to the main Christmas event - it is a grace in it's own right. Yet at the same time, Advent IS a prelude to the Christmas miracle. I love Advent because it reminds me to prepare God room. It challenges me during its' 4 brief weeks to look for God in the unexpected places. Many times I look for Spirit in the typical types of situations - church events, times with friends, the singing of the carols, Christmas parties and cheer! But the call of Advent is to anticipate and welcome God in the unexpected - in the places where we think God isn't. What about God in the Christmas rush, stress, and kafuffle? In the broken relationships of our lives? In the misunderstandings and tears? In the grave diagnosis from the doctor? In the conversations with the sex trade worker? The wealthy businesperson whose primary concern this Christmas is increased sales, not the birth of a babe? Is God present there?

Who would have expected the Light of the world to be born in a barn? Would our churches proclaim that God is not only present in, but is well pleased with a teenaged girl - not married and pregnant - who approached our steps? Is God in this unexpected place? If she were at least married, then maybe - but this?

Advent is the time when I remember to look for God all around me. To be open to the touch of Holiness in expected AND unexpected places. To give voice and attention to those unrealized dreams and visions for which I yearn. To use the oil of grace to heal and soften the rusted gates of my heart and prepare Him room, even in those situations in which I perceive God to be absent.

Let every heart prepare God room this season. Happy Advent everyone!

Happy Thanksgiving!

It has been a while since my last entry. And I don't want that to happen again. My commitment is to practice regular journaling of my amazing journey.

I just returned from our church service on the Sunday of this Thanksgiving weekend, and all I can say is that I am blessed. I am thankful for many, many things in my life. First and foremost my family. David and Toro add such joy, delight, groundedness, and completion to my life. I am thankful for the many friends I have that really are family to me. I am grateful to live in Vancouver - a truly magical city. And I am thankful for my community of faith - St Andrews Wesley United Church. There are several reasons why this church is such a gift to me, and I've decided to lay out a few of those reasons below:

* for its' strong sense of mission. Not in the sense of conversion, but of love in action. This church is serious in the call of Jesus to spread the love of God to our neighbours. From an active and engaged End Homelessness Now action group, Homes to Heal (raising funds to supplement rent for young adults with mental illness), and Food For First (food to support the First United Mission downtown to the hungry), St Andrews Wesley also partners with and supports the Boys R Us Outreach (a drop in centre for male and transgendered sex trade workers).

* for its' commitment to religious diversity. We are on the 4th Sunday of a 6 week series entitled Exploration in World Religions. As Christians, what gifts and truths do our brothers and sisters in other faiths offer us? How do these offerings enrich and enlarge our own Christian journey? Today we explored Judaism. Next week we look at and examine the offerings of Islam.

* for its' commitment to Christian discipleship. Here the Christian tradition is affirmed and lived out. The Bible is taken seriously, but not literally. The gifts and grace of God are celebrated through song, prayer, Bible study, embodied spirituality such as yoga, and authentic relationships with each other. And the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ is our lense to the holy and we live in relationship with God through Jesus.

These are just a few of the reasons why I love my church and wanted to give thanks for such a wonderful community. What better time than on a beautiful sunny Thanksgiving Day to do that. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Gonna Take Some Time For Healing

I can see me pulling through. Finding out I'm someone who is moving on and letting go. Picking up the pieces on the road to healing. Gonna take some time, I'm on the mend, I'm healing. Starting over at the end and feeling stronger than I've ever been - I'm healing. Healing (sung by Wynonna Judd and Michael English)


I'm in a very healing phase of my life now. There's lots going on inside that I don't fully grasp or understand. At the same time, there's a deep cleansing going on that feels like the cool west coast rain washing away the debris from my past. With each subsequent cleansing shower, the healing touches a deeper sense of who I am. Clears the way for me to be the person I've always wanted to be: grounded, centered, authentic, whole, loving, truthful, connected in every way possible, and free.

Two weekends ago, I co-led a young adult retreat from the church. On the Sunday morning of that weekend, I participated in a guided meditation session. As we meditated in silence for a period of time, we were then directed to climb stairs starting with our age counting up to 100. At the top we were to open the door. No further instructions were given after that. As I opened the door, I immediately sensed a bright presence that continually spoke over me the phrase "well done good and faithful servant." "Well done good and faithful servant." Over and over. In my faith tradition, those words were usually spoken in the context of being welcomed into heaven. The after-life. Over there. For me in this meditation, those words were being spoken right now. Here. Present day. The phrase "well done good and faithful servant" was like a cleansing agent that began to wash away all the toxic debris that had accumulated in my life to this point. Toxicity from every word, image, influence, sermon, power, authority, relationship, and theology that was destructive and life-denying began to fall away from me. Unconditional love and grace were replaced. It was like this presence was affirming who I was right to my core. You're OK Curt. You don't need to prove yourself to anyone. You are accepted. As I began to share this afterwards with the group, tears of relief and healing began to flow freely.

I believe that the spiritual practices and guiding values of my life have helped open me to experience these deeper levels of healing. A determination to be authentic, honest, and full of integrity are HUGE values for me. I have been living those values more consistently lately. I am diligent in guarding my spirit from any voice of my religious past that is destructive. I look for eruptions of God's Spirit in the world. I follow in the way of Jesus. I practice an embodied spirituality through yoga, nutrition, physical training, and eros. I nurture all life-giving relationships. I affirm and respect the interdependent web of all existence of which I am a part. These amazing gifts continually stretch and open my heart to greater depths of healing.

Gonna take some time, I'm on the mend, I'm healing........

I Never Lost My Praise

I've lost some good friends along life's way
Some loved ones departed in Heaven to stay
But thank God I didn't lose everything.
I've lost faith in people who said they care.
In the time of my crisis they were never there.
But in my disappointment in my season of pain:
One thing never wavered one thing never changed


I never lost my hope.
I never lost my joy.
I never lost my faith.
But most of all - I never lost my praise.


I've let some blessings slip away
And I lost my focus and went astray
But thank God I didn't lose everything.
I've lost possessions that were so dear.
And I've lost some battles by walking in fear.
But in the midst of my struggle, in my season of pain:
One thing never wavered, one thing never changed

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The words of this powerful song have touched me profoundly ever since I began to arrange it for the Gospel Choir at my church. I have been in a perpetual state of gratitude and joy over the last several weeks. These lyrics tell the story of my life ever since I knocked down that closet door and came out as a gay Christian. What follows is a modern-day psalm of thanksgiving for God's faithfulness in my life at every single turn of my amazing journey.


"I never lost my hope"....Shortly after leaving the Exodus ex-gay ministry in Oklahoma City, I remember reading a magazine article about gay Christians faithfully following Christ. I remember contacting the organization (Evangelicals Concerned) to get more information. And I distinctly remember receiving that first newsletter from EC. I began to weep. Tears of relief. Tears of healing. And tears of hope that maybe reconciliation of my sexuality and my God was possible........


"I never lost my joy".....the Psalms have been such a comfort to me on this journey. Two passages in particular have strengthed me: "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Ps 34:18) and "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning" (Ps 30:5). Even though I experienced incredible pain and sorrow at the hands of "good church folk", the joy of the Lord that sustains and supports was always there, navigating me through those dark nights of the soul.


"I never lost my faith"....I'm one of the few ex-gay survivors who still believe. I put my faith through the fire of questions and experience. And it survived. Authentic. Strong. Real. Vibrant. Not the faith of my childhood. Not even orthodox. But a living, breathing, joyful faith that is salvific in every sense of the word.


"But most of all, I never lost my praise"....this is perhaps the greatest blessing in my life. In spite of the rejection from members of the evangelical church, in spite of the dark nights of the soul, in spite of incredible personal pain, I never lost that sense of awe and wonder with life. I never lost that deep-in-my-soul optimism in every situation. I never lost my belief in the fundamental goodness of all people. In essence, I never lost my praise. I made peace with my God. I opened my heart to the many manifestations of Spirit in our world. And I continue to live in a place of gratitude and thanksgiving. Thanks be to God.

Bravo To Mo'Nique!

It may not work for many marriages, but Mo'Nique says it works for her. She and her husband, Sidney Hicks, have an open marriage, though she claims she has never cheated on him. In an interview with Barbara Walters for her 29th annual Oscars special, Mo'Nique explained: “Do we have sex outside of the marriage? Let me say this. I have not had sex outside of my marriage with Sidney. Could I have sex outside of my marriage with Sidney? Yes. Could Sid have sex outside of his marriage with me? Yes. That’s not a deal breaker. That’s not something that we would say, ‘Oh my God because you were attracted to another person and because you happened to have sex let’s end the marriage.'" She went on to say "we’ve been best friends for- is it over 25 years? And we truly know who we are. Truly. Often times people get into marriages and they don’t know who they’re laying next to. I’m very comfortable and secure with my husband.”

I love authentic, real people that lay it on the line and speak truth, even when that truth will get them burned at the stake of public opinion. Mo'Nique has done that by sharing her marital arrangement with Barbara and the world. Instead of towing the prevailing cultural party line of monogamy when it comes to marriage, she has instead offered another valid path. Instead of lying to the public, she has very courageously, fearlessly, and truthfully shared her heart.

I believe that monogamy is a very appropriate and wonderful arrangement for marriage. I believe there are very good reasons why. And I believe the choice of monogamy should be absolutely honoured and affirmed. At the same time, monogamy is not the only choice when it comes to relationships. There are relationships in which varying degrees of openness work. And, like monogamy, those options should be honoured and affirmed as well.

A friend of mine who is involved in social work attests that many, many marriages are marked by deception when it comes to sexual ethics. Many marriages are "open" except one of the partners does not know that it's open. Surely there is a better way.

Sex is intrinsically powerful. Tricky. Delicate. Explosive. The path to healthy sexuality is ongoing and can be a bit elusive at times. But one thing I know: healthy relationships require complete honesty. And when functioning at their best, healthy relationships are life-giving. Questions such as "Is it honest?" and "Is it life-giving?" are very appropriate questions to ask when evaluating a relationship. What would our relationships and marriages look like if we measured them by the degree of honesty shown by the partners and by how life-giving and life-affirming the very nature of the union is itself? Instead of judging our relationships by such terms as monogamous or open, what if we judged our relationships by such terms as authentic, truthful, devoted, loving, and honest? I believe both monogamous and open relationships can exhibit these qualities. And I believe both monogamous and open realtionships can exhibit qualities that are dishonest, false, deceptive, and unloving.

My point with Mo'Nique is not to advocate for open marriage. My point is to envision a world in which all relationships - whether monogamous or not - are characterized by honesty, truthfulness, devotion, and amazing love. To let the question "Is this relationship life-giving?" be a key measuring rod for health. To dream of a culture that supports, nurtures, and encourages the realization of these positive values in all marriages.

The first step towards this dream is honesty. And Mo'Nique modeled that quality for us on Sunday night. I hope the conversation of truth-speaking continues.