Since I was outed 2 weeks ago in front of the entire church by my senior minister as a "church geek", I have decided to embrace it and not hide it any longer. I'm actually very happy that everyone knows I'm a church geek now - there is freedom when one comes out of their particular closet. One practice that church geeks engage in - or at least this church geek - is surfing the web to look at church and denominational websites online. I like to see their ministries, read about their staff, get a sense of their mission in the world, and read their sermons online. Yes - I read sermons online. I came upon the website for the Mennonite Brethern denomination, an evangelical group here in Canada. While perusing the site, I found an interesting little document entitled "Homosexuality: A Compassionate Yet Firm Response". Hmmmmmm After reading it, something shifted inside me. A sense of holy anger began to fire within. And I believe that this is the type of shift that happens at significant times in life that alter and change the timbre of one's direction. This pamphlet laid out a supposed compassionate response to homosexuality. In actuality, it was full of logical inconsistencies and bad theology. And as a gay Christian, I didn't see much compassion.
As I read this pamphlet shaking my head with a mixture of anger and utter sadness, I made a decision. I made a decision that I will no longer debate the issue of homosexuality in the church any longer.
I'm tired of patiently waiting for the church with its' endless national conferences, discussion groups, church study reports, and congregational meetings to decide what to do with "the issue of homosexuality".
I'm tired of getting clobbered by a twisted reading of Scripture and a flawed hermeneutical method that attempts to show "God's plan for the family". But the same interpretive method used to condemn me is conveniently set aside when looking at other social issues in Scripture. Hello cafeteria-style Bible study.
I'm fed up with tolerating the most incredible statements made to me all in the name of the notorious face-saving quote of "loving the sinner but hating the sin". The statements that many Christians have said to me in no way reflect a Gospel, Biblical love. Make these same statements to another group in society and there could be legal action.
I'm angered by the conservative church's refusal to acknowledge the failure rate of ex-gay ministries. Our church is one of several congregations in the church world that see the ugly side of ex-gay ministries that no one wants to talk about. Broken people come to us after surviving these ministries and can't even believe that God loves them. Something as basic as "God loves me" is difficult for them to accept. People like myself who tried to experience authentic change, who truly opened ourselves up to God as much as we could to allow the "healing" to come, and people who are in shambles because no such change occured come to our doorsteps. People in tears; lives that are shattered; hope abandoned.
I'm in tears over how long it is taking the church to change and for justice to flow like a mighty river. It's excrutiating. But it took the Southern Baptist Convention over 100 years to apologize for its' miscarriage of justice involving the institution of slavery, so why am I in such a rush. "Oh but that's different than homosexuality". Please - spare me the rhetoric.
Just as I don't coddle a person who believes the earth is flat, that women shouldn't be ordained or in leadership positions in the church, and that mixed race marriages are morally wrong, I will not tip toe around someone who still believes that homosexuality is a sin or at the least is not God's best. If a person is honestly sincerely seeking the truth regarding same sex attraction and orientation, there are plenty of theological readings, scientific and psychological studies, and most importantly testimonies of faithful gay women and men with amazing, fulfilled lives and an authentic and vibrant faith. For people who get their head out of the sand long enough, there is ample evidence - Biblical, theological, and existential - that bring truth to this matter.
The church will eventually change its' position and will issue apologies just like it has on past social issues. I pray that this repentance occurs in my lifetime. Since I see glimmers of hope for change occuring within pockets of the church, I am cautiously optimistic. My prayer is that the institutional church will learn from history, and right the wrongs sooner than later.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Opening My Heart Centre
I went to the gym this past weekend, worked out with my weight lifting routine, and ended my session with yoga. I started to go to the gym another time the week before, but opted instead to participate in a yoga session. I have my Gospel Choir rehearsal on the 2nd Thursday evening of each month. The choir rehearsal cuts into my regularly scheduled Thursday night yoga class. Instead of skipping the yoga class entirely, I left the class early and arrived just in time for choir. I even bought a Vinyasa Flow Yoga DVD so I can get on the mat anytime I want in the comfort of my living room. In short, I dig yoga! I find myself craving it. Loving it. Entering into it. Meeting the Divine within the practice.
I had an "aha" moment in regards to my yoga practice and spiritual life this past weekend at the gym. After lifting weights, I decided to end my workout session with some yogic moves. As I began to move through the movements.....half lotus......downward dog........child's pose.....cobra pose......bow pose......fixed firm.......plank.......spinal massage......, a deep sense of connection occurred within. The music on my ipod during my practice was a beautiful arrangement from the movie "Across The Universe" of the Beatle's hit "Let It Be". As I let the music fill my soul and as I entered into the movements - really let myself surrender to the openness that comes with a yoga practice - I connected. Connected to myself, connected to my God, connected to every living thing, connected to the Universe. My spirit was nourished. And I believe I moved a bit more towards full integration of my entire being which is one of yoga's many gifts. Ultimately words fail to convey the mystery of yoga. Like music, yoga must be experienced to be understood. This past Saturday afternoon though, I experienced a deeper awareness of the essence of a yoga practice. Beyond the physical sweat and flexibility exercises, yoga is about oneness. Connection. Integration. Completeness.
One of the poses that has captured my imagination is the camel pose (pictured above). The camel pose is a very powerful pose and opens your heart centre. I like to think that I am very open-minded.....and open-hearted. But as I practice this and other poses, I realize my heart isn't quite as open as I would like to think it is. However, my own heart centre is beginning to open more and more as I stay on my mat. And I am starting to notice the tangible results of these heart-openers in my life. I'm more aware of my yearning to be open in every way. My heart is softening more and more. In church yesterday morning during Thanksgiving Day service, I began to spontaneously cry during one of the hymns because I was in a thankful place and so incredibly grateful for the blessings of life. My emotions are present with me as I journey through life. And it's a beautiful thing. Thank you God for the gift and mystery of yoga.
Gotta run! The mat is calling my name........
Sunday, September 13, 2009
A Wedding Like No Other
It was a beautiful sunny Vancouver day in mid-September. The kind of day that still feels like summer even though we all know that these types of glorious days are numbered and fall is just around the corner. Nevertheless there is sunshine, warm temps, and amazing energy in the air, so we'll take it!
It was a beautiful sunny Vancouver day for a wedding. This particular service had all the elements that comprise a nice, traditional wedding. A large, downtown, gothic-style church building. The longest centre aisle of any church in the entire city of Vancouver. 10 attendants. A flower girl and ring bearer. A pipe organ to provide beautiful fanfare for such a special occasion. And of course 2 grooms joining their lives together in holy matrimony. What a minute!! OK maybe it isn't an ENTIRELY traditional wedding. I have to admit that since British Columbia legalized same sex marriage in 2003 (with the entire country of Canada following suit in 2005), I had not been to a same sex wedding ceremony of this scale. Most of my gay friends who married (including David and me) had very intimate, small, non-traditional ceremonies held in big homes with ocean views, in Stanley Park, or in the privacy of a downtown condo. But this wedding on Saturday had all the bells and whistles that one could possibly think of. My part was to play the piano during the ceremony, lead 2 congregational hymns, and sing a solo during the Signing of the Registry. Everything was ready to go for a prompt 2:00pm start. The 2 grooms - Kevin and Ryan - looked dapper in their tuxedos. The beautiful sanctuary was full of family and friends. And I was all set to be a part of this wonderful occasion in the life of my 2 friends.
It was a beautiful sunny Vancouver day in which to unexpectedly and profoundly witness God's Kingdom revealed, advanced, and experienced. One of my favourite Bible stories is that of Peter and the vision of the unclean animals (Acts 10: 9 - 48). In this vision, Peter sees a sheet descending from heaven full of unclean animals - animals that Peter would never touch or eat because they were considered unclean. Unacceptable. Sinful. Yet a voice commanded Peter to eat all the animals that were on the sheet. Peter said no. The voice said yes. Peter said no. The voice said yes. When Peter continued to resist, he heard this powerful statement from the heavens: "What God has made clean, you must not call profane." That is my favourite line from this entire story. What God has made clean, you must not call profane. A new era had arrived in the early church. Previous understandings of what's clean and what's not......who is clean and who isn't.......what is accepted and what isn't........were being turned upside down. Those who previously were thought to be outside the Christian community were now being accepted into the community of faith.
I'm so grateful that the story of Peter and the unclean animals did not stop in the Book of Acts. This amazing story of the inclusion of those who were previously thought to be outside the kingdom of God has continued throughout history. Groups and classes of people who had been denied any type of full participation in the life of the church were being welcomed in as more chapters of that vision were being written. Their gifts, callings, and contributions were being recognized. Previous understandings and readings of certain Scripture passages were being re-interpreted. The circle was being enlarged and widened. Because of Galileo's courage in the 1600s against the prevailing geocentric position of the organized church, we came to see that science and faith are not enemies, but 2 sides of the same coin. Because of the outspoken witness of many women with obvious gifts to ordained ministry in a time when they were denied their full calling, we now welcome women into the leadership and ordained ministry of the church. Because of the bold witness of mixed race couples in a time when the church named their love as sinful because "it's against the Bible", we now celebrate mixed race marriages in our communities. And I witnessed on Saturday another chapter being written in that vision of the unclean animals. Same sex love - in many churches today still considered "unclean" - was blessed, affirmed and celebrated! In a transcendant way, the love, the blessing, the tangible sense of Spirit filled me to overflowing with joy, gratitude, and a sense that the vision of God's Kingdom - including and blessing those who were previously considered unclean - moves forward! I was in tears just taking in the significance of that vision moving forward here in my lifetime in this time and place.
It was a beautiful, sunny Vancouver day.........
It was a beautiful sunny Vancouver day for a wedding. This particular service had all the elements that comprise a nice, traditional wedding. A large, downtown, gothic-style church building. The longest centre aisle of any church in the entire city of Vancouver. 10 attendants. A flower girl and ring bearer. A pipe organ to provide beautiful fanfare for such a special occasion. And of course 2 grooms joining their lives together in holy matrimony. What a minute!! OK maybe it isn't an ENTIRELY traditional wedding. I have to admit that since British Columbia legalized same sex marriage in 2003 (with the entire country of Canada following suit in 2005), I had not been to a same sex wedding ceremony of this scale. Most of my gay friends who married (including David and me) had very intimate, small, non-traditional ceremonies held in big homes with ocean views, in Stanley Park, or in the privacy of a downtown condo. But this wedding on Saturday had all the bells and whistles that one could possibly think of. My part was to play the piano during the ceremony, lead 2 congregational hymns, and sing a solo during the Signing of the Registry. Everything was ready to go for a prompt 2:00pm start. The 2 grooms - Kevin and Ryan - looked dapper in their tuxedos. The beautiful sanctuary was full of family and friends. And I was all set to be a part of this wonderful occasion in the life of my 2 friends.
It was a beautiful sunny Vancouver day in which to unexpectedly and profoundly witness God's Kingdom revealed, advanced, and experienced. One of my favourite Bible stories is that of Peter and the vision of the unclean animals (Acts 10: 9 - 48). In this vision, Peter sees a sheet descending from heaven full of unclean animals - animals that Peter would never touch or eat because they were considered unclean. Unacceptable. Sinful. Yet a voice commanded Peter to eat all the animals that were on the sheet. Peter said no. The voice said yes. Peter said no. The voice said yes. When Peter continued to resist, he heard this powerful statement from the heavens: "What God has made clean, you must not call profane." That is my favourite line from this entire story. What God has made clean, you must not call profane. A new era had arrived in the early church. Previous understandings of what's clean and what's not......who is clean and who isn't.......what is accepted and what isn't........were being turned upside down. Those who previously were thought to be outside the Christian community were now being accepted into the community of faith.
I'm so grateful that the story of Peter and the unclean animals did not stop in the Book of Acts. This amazing story of the inclusion of those who were previously thought to be outside the kingdom of God has continued throughout history. Groups and classes of people who had been denied any type of full participation in the life of the church were being welcomed in as more chapters of that vision were being written. Their gifts, callings, and contributions were being recognized. Previous understandings and readings of certain Scripture passages were being re-interpreted. The circle was being enlarged and widened. Because of Galileo's courage in the 1600s against the prevailing geocentric position of the organized church, we came to see that science and faith are not enemies, but 2 sides of the same coin. Because of the outspoken witness of many women with obvious gifts to ordained ministry in a time when they were denied their full calling, we now welcome women into the leadership and ordained ministry of the church. Because of the bold witness of mixed race couples in a time when the church named their love as sinful because "it's against the Bible", we now celebrate mixed race marriages in our communities. And I witnessed on Saturday another chapter being written in that vision of the unclean animals. Same sex love - in many churches today still considered "unclean" - was blessed, affirmed and celebrated! In a transcendant way, the love, the blessing, the tangible sense of Spirit filled me to overflowing with joy, gratitude, and a sense that the vision of God's Kingdom - including and blessing those who were previously considered unclean - moves forward! I was in tears just taking in the significance of that vision moving forward here in my lifetime in this time and place.
It was a beautiful, sunny Vancouver day.........
Sunday, July 19, 2009
In Praise of Vancouver
Vancouver, British Columbia - how do I love thee? Let me count the ways......
* for your magnificent natural setting. With the ocean meeting up with the Coast Mountains, it's an unbeatable foundation for a world class city. When I used to live in North Carolina, I had to choose between going to the beach or going to the mountains. Here, I can lay out at the beach while viewing the majestic mountains.
* for your wonderful diversity. Today while walking home from brunch, I passed many groups of people who weren't speaking English. Vancouver embraces every group imaginable and weaves them into her fabric. The world is here in Vancouver. If you don't dig diversity, you won't like our fair city.
* for your vibrant downtown core. David and I have never lived in a downtown setting before moving here. Now you couldn't pay us to leave downtown. Everything we need is within blocks of our place. Within about 2 sq blocks of our home there's a coffee shop, grocery store, liquor store, wine bar, dry cleaners, medical clinic, sushi bar, bank, office supply store, and drug department store. We are blocks from the seawall. 4 blocks from my church. We walk everywhere. It's magical!
* for your wonderful weather. This is perhaps Vancouver's best kept secret. We tell everyone it rains here all the time. Pssst -it's not true (90% of Vancouver's yearly rainfall occurs during the winter only) Once I moved here, I found out that we tell everyone it rains all year long just to keep more Torontonians from moving here. Mild, wet winters. Beautiful, colourful springs. Warm, sunny, long summer days. Crisp, comfortable autumns. The flowers start blooming in late Feb-early March. Since it rarely snows here, Vancouver is green year-round. You can sit outside on cafe patios in the middle of January and have a coffee. It's truly an outdoor city.
* for your holistic lifestyle. Since moving to Vancouver, I have lost weight, gained muscle, increased my energy levels, and lowered my bodyfat percentage. At the age of 45, I am in the best shape of my life. Why? Physical fitness is par for the course here. Everybody's doing it. It's in the air. You "catch" it from others around you. Instead of meeting after work for a drinking frenzy, you meet on the slopes to ski. Instead of driving to a party, you walk or bike there. Almost without exception, every one of my friends from the USA who comes to visit me says "WOW - everyone is so fit here".
I could go on and on. Needless to say, David and I love it here. Many times we pinch ourselves to make sure we're not dreaming. I cannot imagine living anywhere else. Peace and light.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Reflections Upon Turning 45
My birthday was this past Friday, July 10. I turned 45 years old. Most people in popular culture would say that I am now clearly in middle age. According to the United Church of Canada, I am still a younger adult, although at the very jumping off point. My "real age" is 36 (NOW we're talking. To find out your real age, go to http://www.realage.com/). But at the end of the day, the words from the hymn "I Was There To Hear Your Borning Cry" describe my feelings at this stage of life: "In the middle ages of your life, not too old, no longer young. I'll be there to guide you through the night, complete what I've begun."
Looking back over my life thus far and particularly after my birthday party this past Friday night (GREAT party!! Thanks David for organizing it), I am in a very grateful, thankful space.
* I am grateful for my Christian heritage. As noted in my very first blog, I was raised fundamentalist Christian. I now consider myself postmodern Christian. I REALLY wanted to be a Unitarian, but I missed the Christian framework. Without launching into all the reasons why I am not fundamentalist or even evangelical Christian anymore, I can say that I am grateful for the strong foundation of my Christian upbringing. Yes - I've had to get rid of the crap that comes with fundamentalism. Yes - I've had to re-frame my Christian faith. Yes - I've had to build my life with good, sound theology. BUT I am grateful for my strong Biblical knowledge, the love of Christ instilled in me (that evangelical "love affair with Jesus" is still there), and the key experiences of my early Christian formation (yes I've been "born again"). Most importantly, I am grateful that my early Christian heritage deposited and nurtured in me a seed of faith that is growing and thriving to this day.
* I am grateful for my wonderful upbringing. My Myers-Briggs score is ENFJ. I am a Type 3 (The Achiever) on the Enneagram. I am sanguine. Every career test I take indicates I should be in sales (which I am). Ask anybody who knows me, and they will tell you that I have a cheery, optimistic, can-do approach to life. I have to thank my amazing parents for their part in this. Our house was filled with laughter and good times. My parents supported me in everything I did. Was everything 100% perfect? Of course not. But I had a great childhood. And I do not take any of this for granted. Thank you Mom and Dad!
* I am grateful for the dark moments in my life. Even though I'm the cheery, happy, optimistic type, I am not immune from suffering and hard times. I have been through a divorce, agonized over my sexual orientation, spent 15 months in an ex-gay program in an attempt to "heal" me of my same sex attractions, finally came out of the closet and experienced rejection from the conservative, Christian community over my sexuality, spent time in therapy to help heal the wounds of fundamentalism in my life, and currently struggling with rebuilding my embattled business due to the global economic slowdown. But I embrace all this as part of the journey. Like my early Christian heritage, the dark nights of the soul also make me who I am today.
* I am grateful for my family. David Leon Watson and I have been together for almost 15 years, legally married for almost 5 years (since Canada legalized same sex marriage). The support, love, and encouragement he gives me is simply indescribable. We have been through thick and thin together, laughter and tears almost to the breaking point, but have emerged better people because of the other. Our home is a haven of rest. I love walking into our place - it is safe, accepting, warm, and full of love. It's a retreat for me from the outside world. We have followed our hearts and marched to the beat of our own drummer. And the fruits of our union are indeed good fruits of love, joy, peace, and kindness.
* I am grateful for my community. And this brings my blog back full circle, for it is my community of friends that initiated all this reflection anyway. Just like it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a community to form a man. I am utterly without words in describing the amazing joy I have in my community. David and I frequently talk about how blessed we are with so many wonderful friends. Friends who are quite different in many ways. Friends that bring so many different gifts to our lives that sharpen us and shape us. Friends that have been with us in our own dark nights of the soul. Friends that share laughter and encouragement, and that call us on our bullshit when needed. The Proverbs states that "he who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm." How true. My wise, wonderful friends have helped me grow in ways I never would have grown without them. We were never meant to do this alone. We need community. And the voice of wisdom is best discerned in the context of community.
So there you go. May I encourage everyone reading this to follow the path of your heart. Don't let others tell you what you should do, or what's best for you, or what's not best for you. The most liberating day of my life was when I decided to follow the Spirt of Truth within me that Jesus encouraged me to do. To decide to be a man of integrity. To be a man of honesty. To be a man with no excuses, no regrets, and no apologies for who he is. As Ghandi said: don't follow the beaten track, but find out the true path for yourself and follow it fearlessly. It's been a process and still continues.
No matter what age you are, follow your heart. Follow your dreams. Listen to the still small voice inside. Celebrate your past, your present, and your future. Realize you need others and can't do it alone. Open your heart and be vulnerable with your community. Give back to your world in some way - practice gratitude in action. And live life abundantly! Namaste.
Looking back over my life thus far and particularly after my birthday party this past Friday night (GREAT party!! Thanks David for organizing it
* I am grateful for my Christian heritage. As noted in my very first blog, I was raised fundamentalist Christian. I now consider myself postmodern Christian. I REALLY wanted to be a Unitarian, but I missed the Christian framework. Without launching into all the reasons why I am not fundamentalist or even evangelical Christian anymore, I can say that I am grateful for the strong foundation of my Christian upbringing. Yes - I've had to get rid of the crap that comes with fundamentalism. Yes - I've had to re-frame my Christian faith. Yes - I've had to build my life with good, sound theology. BUT I am grateful for my strong Biblical knowledge, the love of Christ instilled in me (that evangelical "love affair with Jesus" is still there), and the key experiences of my early Christian formation (yes I've been "born again"). Most importantly, I am grateful that my early Christian heritage deposited and nurtured in me a seed of faith that is growing and thriving to this day.
* I am grateful for my wonderful upbringing. My Myers-Briggs score is ENFJ. I am a Type 3 (The Achiever) on the Enneagram. I am sanguine. Every career test I take indicates I should be in sales (which I am). Ask anybody who knows me, and they will tell you that I have a cheery, optimistic, can-do approach to life. I have to thank my amazing parents for their part in this. Our house was filled with laughter and good times. My parents supported me in everything I did. Was everything 100% perfect? Of course not. But I had a great childhood. And I do not take any of this for granted. Thank you Mom and Dad!
* I am grateful for the dark moments in my life. Even though I'm the cheery, happy, optimistic type, I am not immune from suffering and hard times. I have been through a divorce, agonized over my sexual orientation, spent 15 months in an ex-gay program in an attempt to "heal" me of my same sex attractions, finally came out of the closet and experienced rejection from the conservative, Christian community over my sexuality, spent time in therapy to help heal the wounds of fundamentalism in my life, and currently struggling with rebuilding my embattled business due to the global economic slowdown. But I embrace all this as part of the journey. Like my early Christian heritage, the dark nights of the soul also make me who I am today.
* I am grateful for my family. David Leon Watson and I have been together for almost 15 years, legally married for almost 5 years (since Canada legalized same sex marriage). The support, love, and encouragement he gives me is simply indescribable. We have been through thick and thin together, laughter and tears almost to the breaking point, but have emerged better people because of the other. Our home is a haven of rest. I love walking into our place - it is safe, accepting, warm, and full of love. It's a retreat for me from the outside world. We have followed our hearts and marched to the beat of our own drummer. And the fruits of our union are indeed good fruits of love, joy, peace, and kindness.
* I am grateful for my community. And this brings my blog back full circle, for it is my community of friends that initiated all this reflection anyway. Just like it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a community to form a man. I am utterly without words in describing the amazing joy I have in my community. David and I frequently talk about how blessed we are with so many wonderful friends. Friends who are quite different in many ways. Friends that bring so many different gifts to our lives that sharpen us and shape us. Friends that have been with us in our own dark nights of the soul. Friends that share laughter and encouragement, and that call us on our bullshit when needed. The Proverbs states that "he who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm." How true. My wise, wonderful friends have helped me grow in ways I never would have grown without them. We were never meant to do this alone. We need community. And the voice of wisdom is best discerned in the context of community.
So there you go. May I encourage everyone reading this to follow the path of your heart. Don't let others tell you what you should do, or what's best for you, or what's not best for you. The most liberating day of my life was when I decided to follow the Spirt of Truth within me that Jesus encouraged me to do. To decide to be a man of integrity. To be a man of honesty. To be a man with no excuses, no regrets, and no apologies for who he is. As Ghandi said: don't follow the beaten track, but find out the true path for yourself and follow it fearlessly. It's been a process and still continues.
No matter what age you are, follow your heart. Follow your dreams. Listen to the still small voice inside. Celebrate your past, your present, and your future. Realize you need others and can't do it alone. Open your heart and be vulnerable with your community. Give back to your world in some way - practice gratitude in action. And live life abundantly! Namaste.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
The Scourge Of Fundamentalism
Yesterday was not a great day for me. Spiritually speaking that is. While I love Facebook, it sometimes opens up discussions and conversations that probably aren't the healthiest, particularly from people with whom I should probably not even attempt to enter into conversation. My partner David doesn't even "get" why I want to talk with people from high school when I didn't know them that well to begin with. I hear him. At the same time, there's something in me that demands authenticity. That demands transparency. Call it self-actualization. Call it the call of the Spirit. Call it Christian discipleship. Call it co-dependency or a need for approval. Personally, I go for the first 3. But whatever you call it, I was talking to some former high school classmates via Facebook about how I can be gay and Christian. These 2 people were just adament that I couldn't. A little bit of Scripture was thrown around. A little bit of "those terrorists want to take over our country" was thrown in (not sure how that relates to sexual orientation and faith), and a whole lot of frustration on my part. The last few posts assured me they were praying for me, and hope to see me in heaven. Unbelievable.
That conversation did such damage to my spirit. I'm mad at me for allowing myself to be subjected to all that. I'm mad at David cause he's right about why I am still talking to people from 25+ years ago. And I'm mostly mad and incredibly saddened that I still carry the wounds of fundamentalism in my core. None of the incredible discouragement that I feel is "conviction of the Holy Spirit for my sin" or "conviction for not following the truth path of Christianity" or anything like that. This is not conviction - conviction doesn't work like that. This is hurt and pain from the influences of bad religion. It's a painful admission: after years and years of being away from destructive religion and being surrounded by a loving community of faith, solid theology, and incredible integration and spiritual growth, I still feel the ugly residue inside of me from the faith of my youth.
Maybe that's how it's going to be - sort of like a wounded healer. And maybe that's a gift I have to offer to other hurting former-fundamentalists. I am in such peace and harmony in my spiritual walk today. I also must admit that there's a scourge within me from my fundamentalist past that will always be there. The tapes still play. The fear sometimes rears its' ugly head. Instead of bemoaning my fate or my past, I want to take the broken pieces from my past and use those as stones to build an altar upon which I pour my heart out to God, to others, and to our community. To pour out my heart for those gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered people who are told they and/or their "lifestyle" is sinful, an abomination, and un-acceptable. To those whose theology or belief system is not orthodox or mainstream or "acceptable". To anyone who is outside the "norm". I understand. And it's OK to admit the pain and frustration and sometimes isolation that at times accompany those of us on different or alternative paths. It's also OK to celebrate who you are and find like-minded communities to affirm this in joyous celebrations.
It was not a good day for me yesterday. But it was a great day for me to affirm that even the shadowy destructive forces in our lives can be transformed. Can be redemptive. So while I hate the fact that I was raised in a fundamentalist church, I also embrace this part of me as a gift, for it has made me who I am today. I embrace the wounded healer within, for it helps me to be more sensitive, more open, and more grateful for the man I am becoming today.
That conversation did such damage to my spirit. I'm mad at me for allowing myself to be subjected to all that. I'm mad at David cause he's right about why I am still talking to people from 25+ years ago. And I'm mostly mad and incredibly saddened that I still carry the wounds of fundamentalism in my core. None of the incredible discouragement that I feel is "conviction of the Holy Spirit for my sin" or "conviction for not following the truth path of Christianity" or anything like that. This is not conviction - conviction doesn't work like that. This is hurt and pain from the influences of bad religion. It's a painful admission: after years and years of being away from destructive religion and being surrounded by a loving community of faith, solid theology, and incredible integration and spiritual growth, I still feel the ugly residue inside of me from the faith of my youth.
Maybe that's how it's going to be - sort of like a wounded healer. And maybe that's a gift I have to offer to other hurting former-fundamentalists. I am in such peace and harmony in my spiritual walk today. I also must admit that there's a scourge within me from my fundamentalist past that will always be there. The tapes still play. The fear sometimes rears its' ugly head. Instead of bemoaning my fate or my past, I want to take the broken pieces from my past and use those as stones to build an altar upon which I pour my heart out to God, to others, and to our community. To pour out my heart for those gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered people who are told they and/or their "lifestyle" is sinful, an abomination, and un-acceptable. To those whose theology or belief system is not orthodox or mainstream or "acceptable". To anyone who is outside the "norm". I understand. And it's OK to admit the pain and frustration and sometimes isolation that at times accompany those of us on different or alternative paths. It's also OK to celebrate who you are and find like-minded communities to affirm this in joyous celebrations.
It was not a good day for me yesterday. But it was a great day for me to affirm that even the shadowy destructive forces in our lives can be transformed. Can be redemptive. So while I hate the fact that I was raised in a fundamentalist church, I also embrace this part of me as a gift, for it has made me who I am today. I embrace the wounded healer within, for it helps me to be more sensitive, more open, and more grateful for the man I am becoming today.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
A Time Apart
I have just returned from a wonderful retreat at Rivendell Retreat Centre on Bowen Island, just off the coast of mainland BC. This place is just around 30 minutes from Vancouver, but feels worlds apart. At Rivendell, you are surrounded by mountains, ocean, thick forests of spruce, pin, and cypress. It's a truly sacred place - a holy space. Doris Kizinna and I led this retreat with younger adults from our church. Even though I was in leadership, I received so much from this time apart with God.
We informally started the retreat on Friday night with dinner at an incredible Italian restaurant on Bowen called Tuscany. Simply delicious! We then began our formal time together with an opening worship on Friday night, followed by a delicious feast of wine, cheese, and crackers. Saturday morning we enjoyed breakfast followed by a morning workshop on Creation Spirituality led by the minister from our church. The afternoon was left mostly open for retreatants to do as they wished. Both an optional hike and a Kundalini Yoga class were offered. Saturday dinner was an amazing meal of Indian food - simply too good to put in words! Saturday evening worship consisted of several stations of spiritual practices that were available in which each participant was invited to engage. Sunday morning ended our time together with a morning yoga session, brunch, and a closing circle.
This retreat was a first for our Younger Adult group. Based on the feedback, there will be many more to follow. And even though I was in leadership throughout the weekend, I was filled, refreshed, renewed, and connected in so many ways. In short:
* I am committed to Jesus Christ. This weekend affirmed the primacy of the life, ministry, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ in my spiritual journey. I come from an evangelical background, and many of my evangelical brothers and sisters are not in allignment nor approval of my path. To be sure, my journey draws from many traditions and sources, both Christian and non-Christian alike. My theology is anything but orthodox. Had I lived in the Middle Ages, I would have been considered a heretic. And I reject many evangelical tenets. At the same time, that "love affair with Jesus" has remained and this weekend I once again embraced that. Jesus has absolutely, positively captured my heart and won't let go, nor do I want Him to let go. Jesus Christ is my lense (not other's necessarily) through which I see and experience the Holy.
* I am committed to a more deeply lived spiritual life. The gifts of yoga, meditation, acupuncture, Scripture, prayer, and Christian community are rich wonderful gifts that enrich and expand my spirit. After this weekend of engaging in most of these precious practices, I am full of the Spirit. I am more loving. I am more open. I am more restful and centered. And I am ready to be of service to my fellow woman and man. These are certainly fruits of the Spirit that warrant nurturing.
I encourage everyone to periodically in your busy life get away for retreat. Get away to open your spirit to the Holy. To return renewed, refreshed, and ready to serve others in this hurting world. But most importantly, return more aware than ever that you are an incredible, loved child of God. Blessings and peace to all.
We informally started the retreat on Friday night with dinner at an incredible Italian restaurant on Bowen called Tuscany. Simply delicious! We then began our formal time together with an opening worship on Friday night, followed by a delicious feast of wine, cheese, and crackers. Saturday morning we enjoyed breakfast followed by a morning workshop on Creation Spirituality led by the minister from our church. The afternoon was left mostly open for retreatants to do as they wished. Both an optional hike and a Kundalini Yoga class were offered. Saturday dinner was an amazing meal of Indian food - simply too good to put in words! Saturday evening worship consisted of several stations of spiritual practices that were available in which each participant was invited to engage. Sunday morning ended our time together with a morning yoga session, brunch, and a closing circle.
This retreat was a first for our Younger Adult group. Based on the feedback, there will be many more to follow. And even though I was in leadership throughout the weekend, I was filled, refreshed, renewed, and connected in so many ways. In short:
* I am committed to Jesus Christ. This weekend affirmed the primacy of the life, ministry, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ in my spiritual journey. I come from an evangelical background, and many of my evangelical brothers and sisters are not in allignment nor approval of my path. To be sure, my journey draws from many traditions and sources, both Christian and non-Christian alike. My theology is anything but orthodox. Had I lived in the Middle Ages, I would have been considered a heretic. And I reject many evangelical tenets. At the same time, that "love affair with Jesus" has remained and this weekend I once again embraced that. Jesus has absolutely, positively captured my heart and won't let go, nor do I want Him to let go. Jesus Christ is my lense (not other's necessarily) through which I see and experience the Holy.
* I am committed to a more deeply lived spiritual life. The gifts of yoga, meditation, acupuncture, Scripture, prayer, and Christian community are rich wonderful gifts that enrich and expand my spirit. After this weekend of engaging in most of these precious practices, I am full of the Spirit. I am more loving. I am more open. I am more restful and centered. And I am ready to be of service to my fellow woman and man. These are certainly fruits of the Spirit that warrant nurturing.
I encourage everyone to periodically in your busy life get away for retreat. Get away to open your spirit to the Holy. To return renewed, refreshed, and ready to serve others in this hurting world. But most importantly, return more aware than ever that you are an incredible, loved child of God. Blessings and peace to all.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
The Lenten Journey
I've done something that I wish to never do again - enter blogs only during holy seasons. My last blog entries were made over the season of Christmas. Then a long LONG absence. Now I'm making another entry on Ash Wednesday. My apologies.
Tonight, I attended an Ash Wednesday service at my church to initiate the season of Lent. Growing up, our church didn't observe Lent. Only those liberal and reprobate churches who didn't believe the Bible observed Lent. So we stayed clear of this season. It wasn't until I became a United Methodist (refer to my first blog entry for more about the United Methodists) that I first observed Lent. And let me tell you right now, I didn't like it. In fact, I LOATHED Lent. It's too much of a downer for a type A, driven, happy, glass-always-full, goal oriented, disgustingly optimistic, make-it-happen type of guy like myself. Reflective, silent, meditative, and intropective are not descriptors typically used for myself. I'm more of an Easter dude. Definitely like the resurrection. And LOVE Pentecost! Could do Pentecost every day of the year. But Lent? I just endured Lent year after year.
But thank God for grace eh? (that's the Canadian coming out in me). There's something to be said for spiritual disciplines practiced faithfully over time that finally break through and become mediators of God's grace. Such is the case for me with Lent. I think I'm starting to "get" Lent. In this particular season of my life, I am looking forward to introspection, reflection, silence, and meditation. Not descriptors typically used for myself. But a wonderful compliment and challenge to my cheery, upbeat, driven, type A, fast paced personality. For me, this Lenten journey is an opportunity - a sacred space in my life - for me to reflect on my life, where I'm going, what I'm doing, what I'm becoming, and how I might live more faithfully in discipleship to Jesus Christ. Far from being a downer, Lent offers a gift of extended prayer and spiritual nourishment of a different energy. Not the loud "alleluias", but the still small voice of God's Spirit. And this year, I am so grateful to enter into that rhythm. Peace and light.
Tonight, I attended an Ash Wednesday service at my church to initiate the season of Lent. Growing up, our church didn't observe Lent. Only those liberal and reprobate churches who didn't believe the Bible observed Lent. So we stayed clear of this season. It wasn't until I became a United Methodist (refer to my first blog entry for more about the United Methodists) that I first observed Lent. And let me tell you right now, I didn't like it. In fact, I LOATHED Lent. It's too much of a downer for a type A, driven, happy, glass-always-full, goal oriented, disgustingly optimistic, make-it-happen type of guy like myself. Reflective, silent, meditative, and intropective are not descriptors typically used for myself. I'm more of an Easter dude. Definitely like the resurrection. And LOVE Pentecost! Could do Pentecost every day of the year. But Lent? I just endured Lent year after year.
But thank God for grace eh? (that's the Canadian coming out in me). There's something to be said for spiritual disciplines practiced faithfully over time that finally break through and become mediators of God's grace. Such is the case for me with Lent. I think I'm starting to "get" Lent. In this particular season of my life, I am looking forward to introspection, reflection, silence, and meditation. Not descriptors typically used for myself. But a wonderful compliment and challenge to my cheery, upbeat, driven, type A, fast paced personality. For me, this Lenten journey is an opportunity - a sacred space in my life - for me to reflect on my life, where I'm going, what I'm doing, what I'm becoming, and how I might live more faithfully in discipleship to Jesus Christ. Far from being a downer, Lent offers a gift of extended prayer and spiritual nourishment of a different energy. Not the loud "alleluias", but the still small voice of God's Spirit. And this year, I am so grateful to enter into that rhythm. Peace and light.
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