Be Ye Glad

My thoughts run towards gratitude tonight. The song “Be Ye Glad” by the group Glad was a popular Christian song when I was in university.  I have re-discovered this song and tonight it has primed the pump in my heart for reflecting on a life that has been shaped and sustained over the years by faithful family, friends, and organizations that have led me to my path.  So tonight, in the spirt of this song, I am glad.    

I am glad for loving parents who created a home filled of laughter that taught me to always believe the best is yet ahead….

I am glad for Watauga Christian Center of Boone, NC that introduced me in my university days to the joy and blessing of worship and exuberant praise as part of my Christian journey….

I am glad for the Oral Roberts University Seminary in Tulsa, OK that first taught me Biblical criticism and how to read the Bible critically…

I am glad for the struggle of growing up gay in the midst of a faith system that was hostile towards the gift of my sexuality.

I am glad for the initial refuge I found in the Exodus ex-gay ministries.  While I wholeheartedly oppose reparative therapy, I am grateful for a group of people who took in a scared evangelical young man who was afraid he might be gay and let me cry for almost a full year to cleanse the wounds of carrying around the hurt of sexuality denied. These people were Christ to me.

I am glad for my husband of 21 years David Watson.  This man has modeled what unconditional love and acceptance looks like.  As a result, we wholeheartedly love and accept each other with no conditions and no demands for change. Our home is a haven and a rest for me.  

I am glad for the Epworth United Methodist Church of Oklahoma City and the Rev. Kathy McCallie.  This church took me in after the devastation of ex-gay ministry and loved me back to wholeness. They modeled a new way to be church in the world.

I am glad for our home city of Vancouver, British Columbia.  I never knew a spirituality of place until I moved here. 

I am glad for my family of choice here in Vancouver.  I would never want to be without the men in my life that make up my family here in Vancouver.  Warm, strong, loving, funny, caring, and beautiful in every way possible, I never want to be apart from these guys.

I am glad for my nephew Hudson who brings laughter and joy to my life.

I am glad for the spiritual practices of yoga, Centering Prayer meditation, the Examen, and Lectia Divina.  These gifts awaken in me a greater compassion towards my fellow sentient beings.

Most of all, I am glad for life itself.  The tears and the laughter.  The joys and the sorrows.  The dark night of the soul.  The joy that comes in the morning. It’s all part of the whole.  I cannot experience pleasure without the pain.

 Tonight I am profoundly aware that I a man transformed by the power of love.  The gate has been opened in my life and I am now free.  This song says it all:

“From the dungeon a rumor is stirring.
You have heard it again and again.
But this time the cell keys are turning,
and outside there are faces of friends.
Oh the love that your heart is now tasting
has opened the gate, Be Ye Glad.

So be like lights on the rim of the water,
giving hope in a storm sea of night.
Be a refuge amidst the slaughter,
for these fugitives in their flight.
For you are timeless and part of a puzzle.
You are winsome and young as a lad.
And there is no disease or no struggle,
that can pull you from God, Be Ye Glad.”

Buddhist Impermanence Meets A North American Fitness Freak

So I turned 50 years old last Thursday.  So far, so good.  My partner took me and the doggies away for a surprise getaway to the beautiful Black Rock Resort in Ucluelet, BC.  Nothing but rest, relaxation, meditation, and wine.  Just what the Guru ordered.  As I reflect on this very important milestone in my life, I find myself also reflecting on impermanence.  Impermanence is a Buddhist concept that expresses the notion that all of our habituated life – ie our experiences, our triumphs, our failures, our bodies, our perceptions, our physical life - is in a constant state of flux and brevity.  None of these things are forever.  None of these things are permanent.  None of these things stay the same. In fact, the Buddha says that holding onto our life at any given time (i.e. attachment) is a cause for why we suffer in this world.

So as I reflect on impermanence, I also reflect on another reality that I have engaged in for many years – physical fitness!  Yes – I work out.  Yes – I have been known to track my calories, carbs, fats, fibres, and protein on a daily basis.  Yes – I get a body composition analysis run every month.  Yes – I can be a bit obsessive about it.  The personal goals I set for myself are often around my impermanent body:  lower body fat percentage, more weekly yoga sessions, continued strength training.  And I have been known to be attached to my physical body.  (SIDE NOTE:  one thing I’ve learned in my 5 days of being 50 is an increased comfort level with just being totally vulnerable about who you are – warts and all.  You just don’t care as much anymore about what people think J). 

So how do I live into these seeming disparate realities of the impermanence of the body and my love for the physical fitness of this impermanent body?  I offer 3 thoughts:

1.       I ain’t 30 anymore.  I need to warm up before lifting.  I need to allow more time to recover in between workouts.  The impermanence of my body reminds me that the types of workouts I do now are not the exact same workouts that I did when I was 30.  To attempt to run my workouts just like I did when I was 30 is a sign that I have not come to terms with impermanence.  So the first lesson is to accept that my body is 50 chronological years old.      

2.       My body is not the full definition of who I am.  Since Advent of last year (2013), I have begun an almost daily morning ritual of candle lighting and centering prayer (http://www.contemplativeoutreach.org/category/category/centering-prayer for a general overview).  This spiritual practice has helped lead me into contemplation and into a rich, mystical Christian path.  I now more than ever recognize that my impermanent body is not the totality of who I am.  My essence is Spirit within me.  Called by various names such as “Christ in you” (Col 1: 27) in the Christian tradition as well as the “Inner Light of Awareness” in the yogic tradition,  my daily meditation practice has allowed me to open and receive in growing awareness this truth of who I really am.  As I mature in this understanding, I also mature in recognizing and keeping my impermanent body is in its appropriate place.    

3.       There is a difference between “acceptance” and “resignation”.  With impermanence, the acceptance of impermanence is just as important.  I have struggled with the concept of acceptance for many years and had equated it with such ideas as giving up or as a resignation to the situation you are in.  Acceptance felt to me very fatalistic – nothing you can do will change your pre-determined course in life.  You are subject to whatever happens and there’s nothing you can do about that.  Needless to say I resisted that notion.  But a funny thing happened:  when I finally accepted my conflicted feelings around acceptance, I began to live into the beautiful gift of acceptance.  Far from being fatalistic, acceptance is a choice to accept the current situation as it is – no fighting, no resisting, no struggling.  This doesn’t mean the situation can’t change.  It doesn’t mean that you do not take mindful steps to transform a situation.  It just means that at this present moment, I accept (or “acknowledge”….that works a bit better for me) the situation as is.  I accept/acknowledge that my body is 50 years old.  I also accept that my workout routines and physical fitness plans will link with this 50 year old body to make it healthy and vibrant.  No giving up on life.  No letting my body go downhill because I’m 50.  No resigning myself to the couch.  None of that.  I joyfully accept/acknowledge my physical age.  And from that peaceful place of non-striving and non-struggle with my body, I am able to flow forward in greater dimensions of health and physical fitness. 

 I turned 50 last week.  I’m learning that my true essence is within.  I affirm that the body is a beautiful gift.  I accept my age just as it is.  And I journey along receiving both impermanence and my body as wonderful gifts to embrace.     

An Unexpected Spring Conversation

Ahhhh spring.  The time of longer days, warmer temperatures, and flowering colours.  This time of the year always reminds me of the cycle of life.  Tired energy transformed to renewed vitality.  Hibernation and hiding giving way to a fresh outside exploration of the natural world.  And death, in all its many metaphorical and literal ways, give way to life.  I love spring.  I have recently begun to engage in an unexpected conversation.  A conversation that I would have never dreamed possible even a few years ago.  As many of you know, I was involved in Exodus International, an ex-gay organization that is in ministry for those with an unwanted same sex sexual orientation.  I attended back in the mid-1990s in Oklahoma City, and at that time, a change in sexual orientation was promised.  I eventually left that organization when I began to accept the grace that my same sex attractions are good and holy and God-given.  The task at hand for me was to discern how to live out my life - just like everyone else - in ways that are ethical, authentic, committed, and above all loving.  Recently, a group of us who were once a part of Exodus but have since left are now engaging in conversations with some of the current leadership at Exodus International.  The mission of Exodus has changed since I was involved, and the leaders are wanting to listen to our stories.  Listen to the hurts and frustrations that we experienced while at Exodus.  We in turn are listening to them as well, and engaging in good discourse.  These conversations have just started and are still at an early stage.  They are in the spring cycle.  And I am hopeful and encouraged by the listening and the sharing by all of us.

As you can imagine, there are several sticking points along the way in these conversations.  Theological and philosophical differences as well as differences in our understanding of the Bible have come up and will continue to come up as we listen.  And it's very tempting for me to want to change the minds and hearts of these Exodus leaders.  But the gifts I am receiving from Buddhism are teaching me to detach from outcomes.  This totally goes against my western cultural upbringing as well as against my free enterprise spirit.  In business, you do a certain number of sales calls and marketing activities to generate profits.  Actions = results.  Outcomes. So I've been challenged to live with a detachment to outcomes.  In these spring conversations with Exodus as we continue to speak our truth and listen to the truth of others, I am reminded to refrain from any expectation or manipulation of any kind, including expecting an outcome of policy change on the part of Exodus. I'm reminded to be less interested in having a particular outcome, and more interested in being faithful.  Faithful to my call as a Christian.  Faithful to tell my story.  Faithful to speak for the LGBTQ community.  Faithful to encourage all people to live into their full capacity as loving, Light-filled human beings.  This release of outcomes doesn't mean I mince words or stay away from difficult conversations or refuse to take stands.  A relinquishing of outcomes empowers me to be faithful.  And as I live in faithfulness and integrity, I walk in peace and security and experience a lightness of being on my journey.  The striving is over.  The pressure for an outcome is gone.  Love, compassion, and understanding begin to flow more freely through me.    

So who knows how this spring of new conversations will end.  Or continue.  Or become something totally unexpected and beautiful that none of us envisioned.  I just know that today, I'm enjoying the renewed connections I'm making.  And I'm enjoying the journey as it is right now.  Happy Spring to everyone.    

A Prayer I offered at church on the Sunday following the tragedy in Connecticut

This morning, we stand in a place of mixed emotions. We are met with conflicting thoughts. On the one hand, we are in the season of waiting….of anticipating….of the hope of new life……of the joyful expectancy of the birth of the Light of the World in our midst. At the same time, we are in a place of mourning and sadness…….of frustration and anger particularly over the tragedy in Connecticut on Friday…….we have questions……we are heartbroken……we express our grief and anger and sadness. So we acknowledge first and foremost this morning our confliction. We acknowledge our questions. We acknowledge that the joy of the season is tempered with our sadness and incomprehension of a world still filled with violence. So first and foremost, we pray for all those affected by the shooting in Newtown, CT. We pray for the parents and families……for those who survived…..for all the caregivers who are there to love and surround and cry with those in deep grief and loss. We pray for all of them and offer a moment of silence.

 We are reminded in the words of Scripture that You are near to the brokenhearted and You bind up their wounds. We are reminded on this 3rd Sunday of Advent – to live in joy. And while for some of us – probably for many of us in this time – that joyfulness seems removed. Impossible. We are also reminded in the Scriptures that You know us through and through – including our inability maybe to be joyful in this time. So we acknowledge that reality without guilt or worry. However, no matter where we are in life, no matter what emotions we feel, or where we are on our path this Sunday morning, we ALL are called to trust. To trust in your promises. To trust that our God has promised to never leave us nor forsake us. To cling to the promise that we are not left alone, but the Spirit of Life is here with us – not to give pat answers. Or maybe any answers for that matter. But to be with us as we journey along. In the good and bad. The joyful and the sad. So we lift our hearts and open our entire selves to that trust. We bank our lives on the truth that You will never leave us. We remember the promise that weeping may endure for a night, but joy will come some how, some way, eventually in the morning.

So we trust. We trust You in full assurance knowing that in the midst of it all and at the end of it all, our lives are in your hand.

Reflections Of An Ex-Ex Gay

For people who experience unwanted same sex attractions, ex-gay ministries profess to offer freedom and healing from those attractions. The people who attend these ministries are called "ex-gays". For people who attend those ministries and find freedom and healing albeit not from same sex attractions, but freedom and healing in accepting who they are are called "ex-ex gays" because they typically leave the ex-gay ministries. I am in the latter group. And tonight as an ex-ex-gay, I am pondering that very significant part of my journey and I am giving thanks.

After a marriage that fell apart due to my same sex attractions that I had kept a secret since 7th grade, the ex-gay ministry in Oklahoma City called First Stone Ministries was for me a God-send. An answer to prayer. An oasis. A chance to be healed and cleansed and "fixed". A chance to be normal. And most importantly, a chance to order my life so that I could fully honour God. First Stone Ministries is a referral ministry and part of Exodus International, the largest ex-gay organization in the world. So I went in the ex-gay ministry excited. Expectant. Open. Willing. Grateful to have this chance to finally get the monkey of same sex attraction off my back. So over a period of about 15 months, I threw myself into my "healing" as I called it. Once a week individual counseling. Plus once a week group counseling. And at one point, once a week therapy with a psychologist. Sharing my secret. Crying many tears as I released the hurt of carrying this burden silently for 17 years. Voicing the hope I desired for normalcy. Sharing my fears. Sharing my yearnings for freedom. There's that word again...freedom. I listened to other fellow strugglers. And I began to change. I began to experience healing in my life as I shared freely with other receptive hearts. Up to this point, I only shared what was acceptable. What was in line with accepted theology. But this sharing with the ex-gays was deep. Real. Earthy. Gutteral. Messy. And as my authentic self slowly began to emerge and be set free as I claimed the truth, change was all around me. The odd thing was that my same sex attractions were about the only thing that wasn't changing. Oh I was told that change was certain - just keep praying, keep talking, keep sharing, keep an open heart. So I continued to do these things. But after 15 months, the grace of God broke through as it finally dawned on me that this is who I am. And I'm not supposed to change my sexuality. The question for me was how do I honour God with my entire being, including my homosexuality? So I left and became an ex-ex-gay. Leaving that Exodus ex-gay ministry was the hardest decision I have ever made. For in that leaving, I felt I was leaving God. But God is so faithful and is with us even when we aren't aware of it. And over the next 4 years through prayer, Bible study, theological reflection, study, tears, laughter, and most importantly planting myself firmly in the midst of a new kind of Christian community, I was able to fully reconcile myself as both gay and Christian.

It's been over 16 years since my involvement with ex-gay ministries. So what are my reflections this evening on my whole ex-gay experience? One of gratitude. One of thankfulness. One of appreciation. While I wholeheartedly disagree with the philosophy of ex-gay ministries, I am forever grateful for those people who took in a scared young evangelical man who realized he might be gay, and held him as he cried. They provided a forum for me to speak my truth for the first time. They offered a safe space to unload years and years of secrets and shame and fear. When the church I was working in asked me to leave, these beautiful people at the ex-gay ministry asked me to stay with them. Sincere in their devotion, they modeled for me the loving, welcoming arms of Jesus. Even though I believe they are sincerely wrong in their mission to try to change sexual orientation, you'll never hear me bash them. When most of the evangelical church judged them for their work with gay people, they heard the call of Christ to love. And their faithful witness has forever shaped me.

So an an ex-ex gay, I am thankful. Thankful I escaped the terrible deception of change therapy. Thankful that I am changed and healed in many areas of my life. Thankful that I still have a vibrant, passionate faith - not the faith of my childhood to be sure, but a true faith that has gone through the fire and not only survived, but is thriving. And thankful that for 15 months of my life, I was privileged to know the men and women of First Stone Ministries in Oklahoma City who took me in and helped me become the man I am today.

Abundance

During this season of Lent, I have been co-leading a discussion group made up of younger adults from our church. After church, we meet for a shared meal, prayer, singing, and engage in questions and conversations around the sermon topic that morning. This morning's sermon was on "Jesus - the Bread of Life". In our discussions, we spent some time talking about abundance and what that looks like for us. Jesus was certainly about abundant living. From the marriage of Cana with unlimited amounts of wine to the miracle stories that helped people live into their abundance to the feeding of the 5000, Jesus lived abundantly. I have been carrying that conversation with me all day long today. Abundance. The abundant life. In a world of fear, distrust, and scarcity, what does living the abundant life look like for me? I believe abundance does not equate to greed, unhealthy excess, or selfishness. Most of the time, abundance is all around us; often hidden in the "normal" everyday routines of our life. In our coming and going. We often miss the abundance waiting to be discovered or we mistakenly view our life from a lens of scarcity, not realizing the abundance that we experience everyday. When we make the shift from living our life from a place of scarcity to a place of abundance , our entire world changes. Instead of holding tightly, we hold loosely. Instead of struggling and striving, we relax. Instead of grabbing on, we let go. Instead of clinched fists, we have open hands. The lens of abundance must be firmly rooted in the absolute certainty that no matter where we are in our life - no matter the struggle, the sorrow, the loss, the joy, the celebration, the pain, the questioning, the transitions, or the beauty - we are always cared for and there will always be enough for us and others. We are always cared for and there is always enough.

In considering the abundance I have in my life as part of my Lenten practice, I want to list some of them as an expression of gratitude and as encouragement for all of us to see our abundance and then to consider how we might share and help others live in abundance as well.

1. For my partner David, who models for me a life rich in service and love for others. He allows me to be who I am and makes me a better person.
2. For our 2 dogs Jim and Bob who have brought such an abundance of joy to our lives.
3. For our home. At just 550-ish sq ft, my home is a haven from the outside world and a touch of heaven on earth. Filled with laughter, music, joy, openness, and comfort, I wouldn't trade it for anything! I have an abundance in home.
4. For my spiritual community.
5. For sexuality.
6. For the riches of friends. I surround myself with an abundance of friends who support, love, challenge, comfort, laugh and cry with me. Who celebrate with me in good times, and who carry me and cry with me in tough times. Who are there at every stage of the journey. And who always call me and cheer me on to live my highest and best life.
7. For the absolute awesome gift of music that is around me in abundance.
8. For wise business partners who allow me to fail in order to succeed.
9. For an abundance of embodied spiritual practices, including singing, chanting, meditation, and yoga.
10. For a strong physical body that allows me to move through my life with ease.
11. For breath - that pranayama that connects us with every living thing.
12. For the beauty of the physical body.
13. For the abundance of occasions when the bank account is very low, reminding me that life does not only consist in my possessions.
14. For a city abundant in mountains, ocean, and forests.
15. For handfuls of abundant cherry blossoms.
16. For the abundance of times I've had the feeling of glee when that first ray of sunlight peaks from behind the clouds after days and weeks of rain.
17. For generous amounts of deep-down-in-my-soul unshakeable certainty that my best days are ahead of me.

The poem "Abundance" by Laura Barrette Shannon sums it up nicely:

You can not own
a shimmering sunset,
or crystal stars of night.
You can not own
a brilliant blowing breeze,
or the spark of sweet sunlight.

You can not keep
a fragrant floral scent,
or an infant's sleepy sigh.
You can not keep
love's first embrace,
or life's ecstatic highs.

You can not possess
that time which went by
before you were even born.
You can not possess
those memories made
long after you are gone.

So experience enjoyment
in each moment,
immerse in sight, sense, and sound.
Appreciate this world
for all that it is,
that's where abundance is found.

The Blessing Of Advent

I think that in the church year, my favourite season is the season of Advent. Growing up in a more evangelical background, Advent was not emphasized much. We talked about Advent, but didn't really take the time to savour the gifts this season brings. I first discovered Advent at Epworth United Methodist Church in Oklahoma City. This wonderful community of faith introduced me to the Advent journey.

Advent is a time of waiting. Of anticipating. Of expectancy. Of opening wide one's heart to the Holy. Advent isn't simply a precursor to the main Christmas event - it is a grace in it's own right. Yet at the same time, Advent IS a prelude to the Christmas miracle. I love Advent because it reminds me to prepare God room. It challenges me during its' 4 brief weeks to look for God in the unexpected places. Many times I look for Spirit in the typical types of situations - church events, times with friends, the singing of the carols, Christmas parties and cheer! But the call of Advent is to anticipate and welcome God in the unexpected - in the places where we think God isn't. What about God in the Christmas rush, stress, and kafuffle? In the broken relationships of our lives? In the misunderstandings and tears? In the grave diagnosis from the doctor? In the conversations with the sex trade worker? The wealthy businesperson whose primary concern this Christmas is increased sales, not the birth of a babe? Is God present there?

Who would have expected the Light of the world to be born in a barn? Would our churches proclaim that God is not only present in, but is well pleased with a teenaged girl - not married and pregnant - who approached our steps? Is God in this unexpected place? If she were at least married, then maybe - but this?

Advent is the time when I remember to look for God all around me. To be open to the touch of Holiness in expected AND unexpected places. To give voice and attention to those unrealized dreams and visions for which I yearn. To use the oil of grace to heal and soften the rusted gates of my heart and prepare Him room, even in those situations in which I perceive God to be absent.

Let every heart prepare God room this season. Happy Advent everyone!

Happy Thanksgiving!

It has been a while since my last entry. And I don't want that to happen again. My commitment is to practice regular journaling of my amazing journey.

I just returned from our church service on the Sunday of this Thanksgiving weekend, and all I can say is that I am blessed. I am thankful for many, many things in my life. First and foremost my family. David and Toro add such joy, delight, groundedness, and completion to my life. I am thankful for the many friends I have that really are family to me. I am grateful to live in Vancouver - a truly magical city. And I am thankful for my community of faith - St Andrews Wesley United Church. There are several reasons why this church is such a gift to me, and I've decided to lay out a few of those reasons below:

* for its' strong sense of mission. Not in the sense of conversion, but of love in action. This church is serious in the call of Jesus to spread the love of God to our neighbours. From an active and engaged End Homelessness Now action group, Homes to Heal (raising funds to supplement rent for young adults with mental illness), and Food For First (food to support the First United Mission downtown to the hungry), St Andrews Wesley also partners with and supports the Boys R Us Outreach (a drop in centre for male and transgendered sex trade workers).

* for its' commitment to religious diversity. We are on the 4th Sunday of a 6 week series entitled Exploration in World Religions. As Christians, what gifts and truths do our brothers and sisters in other faiths offer us? How do these offerings enrich and enlarge our own Christian journey? Today we explored Judaism. Next week we look at and examine the offerings of Islam.

* for its' commitment to Christian discipleship. Here the Christian tradition is affirmed and lived out. The Bible is taken seriously, but not literally. The gifts and grace of God are celebrated through song, prayer, Bible study, embodied spirituality such as yoga, and authentic relationships with each other. And the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ is our lense to the holy and we live in relationship with God through Jesus.

These are just a few of the reasons why I love my church and wanted to give thanks for such a wonderful community. What better time than on a beautiful sunny Thanksgiving Day to do that. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Gonna Take Some Time For Healing

I can see me pulling through. Finding out I'm someone who is moving on and letting go. Picking up the pieces on the road to healing. Gonna take some time, I'm on the mend, I'm healing. Starting over at the end and feeling stronger than I've ever been - I'm healing. Healing (sung by Wynonna Judd and Michael English)


I'm in a very healing phase of my life now. There's lots going on inside that I don't fully grasp or understand. At the same time, there's a deep cleansing going on that feels like the cool west coast rain washing away the debris from my past. With each subsequent cleansing shower, the healing touches a deeper sense of who I am. Clears the way for me to be the person I've always wanted to be: grounded, centered, authentic, whole, loving, truthful, connected in every way possible, and free.

Two weekends ago, I co-led a young adult retreat from the church. On the Sunday morning of that weekend, I participated in a guided meditation session. As we meditated in silence for a period of time, we were then directed to climb stairs starting with our age counting up to 100. At the top we were to open the door. No further instructions were given after that. As I opened the door, I immediately sensed a bright presence that continually spoke over me the phrase "well done good and faithful servant." "Well done good and faithful servant." Over and over. In my faith tradition, those words were usually spoken in the context of being welcomed into heaven. The after-life. Over there. For me in this meditation, those words were being spoken right now. Here. Present day. The phrase "well done good and faithful servant" was like a cleansing agent that began to wash away all the toxic debris that had accumulated in my life to this point. Toxicity from every word, image, influence, sermon, power, authority, relationship, and theology that was destructive and life-denying began to fall away from me. Unconditional love and grace were replaced. It was like this presence was affirming who I was right to my core. You're OK Curt. You don't need to prove yourself to anyone. You are accepted. As I began to share this afterwards with the group, tears of relief and healing began to flow freely.

I believe that the spiritual practices and guiding values of my life have helped open me to experience these deeper levels of healing. A determination to be authentic, honest, and full of integrity are HUGE values for me. I have been living those values more consistently lately. I am diligent in guarding my spirit from any voice of my religious past that is destructive. I look for eruptions of God's Spirit in the world. I follow in the way of Jesus. I practice an embodied spirituality through yoga, nutrition, physical training, and eros. I nurture all life-giving relationships. I affirm and respect the interdependent web of all existence of which I am a part. These amazing gifts continually stretch and open my heart to greater depths of healing.

Gonna take some time, I'm on the mend, I'm healing........

I Never Lost My Praise

I've lost some good friends along life's way
Some loved ones departed in Heaven to stay
But thank God I didn't lose everything.
I've lost faith in people who said they care.
In the time of my crisis they were never there.
But in my disappointment in my season of pain:
One thing never wavered one thing never changed


I never lost my hope.
I never lost my joy.
I never lost my faith.
But most of all - I never lost my praise.


I've let some blessings slip away
And I lost my focus and went astray
But thank God I didn't lose everything.
I've lost possessions that were so dear.
And I've lost some battles by walking in fear.
But in the midst of my struggle, in my season of pain:
One thing never wavered, one thing never changed

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The words of this powerful song have touched me profoundly ever since I began to arrange it for the Gospel Choir at my church. I have been in a perpetual state of gratitude and joy over the last several weeks. These lyrics tell the story of my life ever since I knocked down that closet door and came out as a gay Christian. What follows is a modern-day psalm of thanksgiving for God's faithfulness in my life at every single turn of my amazing journey.


"I never lost my hope"....Shortly after leaving the Exodus ex-gay ministry in Oklahoma City, I remember reading a magazine article about gay Christians faithfully following Christ. I remember contacting the organization (Evangelicals Concerned) to get more information. And I distinctly remember receiving that first newsletter from EC. I began to weep. Tears of relief. Tears of healing. And tears of hope that maybe reconciliation of my sexuality and my God was possible........


"I never lost my joy".....the Psalms have been such a comfort to me on this journey. Two passages in particular have strengthed me: "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Ps 34:18) and "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning" (Ps 30:5). Even though I experienced incredible pain and sorrow at the hands of "good church folk", the joy of the Lord that sustains and supports was always there, navigating me through those dark nights of the soul.


"I never lost my faith"....I'm one of the few ex-gay survivors who still believe. I put my faith through the fire of questions and experience. And it survived. Authentic. Strong. Real. Vibrant. Not the faith of my childhood. Not even orthodox. But a living, breathing, joyful faith that is salvific in every sense of the word.


"But most of all, I never lost my praise"....this is perhaps the greatest blessing in my life. In spite of the rejection from members of the evangelical church, in spite of the dark nights of the soul, in spite of incredible personal pain, I never lost that sense of awe and wonder with life. I never lost that deep-in-my-soul optimism in every situation. I never lost my belief in the fundamental goodness of all people. In essence, I never lost my praise. I made peace with my God. I opened my heart to the many manifestations of Spirit in our world. And I continue to live in a place of gratitude and thanksgiving. Thanks be to God.

Bravo To Mo'Nique!

It may not work for many marriages, but Mo'Nique says it works for her. She and her husband, Sidney Hicks, have an open marriage, though she claims she has never cheated on him. In an interview with Barbara Walters for her 29th annual Oscars special, Mo'Nique explained: “Do we have sex outside of the marriage? Let me say this. I have not had sex outside of my marriage with Sidney. Could I have sex outside of my marriage with Sidney? Yes. Could Sid have sex outside of his marriage with me? Yes. That’s not a deal breaker. That’s not something that we would say, ‘Oh my God because you were attracted to another person and because you happened to have sex let’s end the marriage.'" She went on to say "we’ve been best friends for- is it over 25 years? And we truly know who we are. Truly. Often times people get into marriages and they don’t know who they’re laying next to. I’m very comfortable and secure with my husband.”

I love authentic, real people that lay it on the line and speak truth, even when that truth will get them burned at the stake of public opinion. Mo'Nique has done that by sharing her marital arrangement with Barbara and the world. Instead of towing the prevailing cultural party line of monogamy when it comes to marriage, she has instead offered another valid path. Instead of lying to the public, she has very courageously, fearlessly, and truthfully shared her heart.

I believe that monogamy is a very appropriate and wonderful arrangement for marriage. I believe there are very good reasons why. And I believe the choice of monogamy should be absolutely honoured and affirmed. At the same time, monogamy is not the only choice when it comes to relationships. There are relationships in which varying degrees of openness work. And, like monogamy, those options should be honoured and affirmed as well.

A friend of mine who is involved in social work attests that many, many marriages are marked by deception when it comes to sexual ethics. Many marriages are "open" except one of the partners does not know that it's open. Surely there is a better way.

Sex is intrinsically powerful. Tricky. Delicate. Explosive. The path to healthy sexuality is ongoing and can be a bit elusive at times. But one thing I know: healthy relationships require complete honesty. And when functioning at their best, healthy relationships are life-giving. Questions such as "Is it honest?" and "Is it life-giving?" are very appropriate questions to ask when evaluating a relationship. What would our relationships and marriages look like if we measured them by the degree of honesty shown by the partners and by how life-giving and life-affirming the very nature of the union is itself? Instead of judging our relationships by such terms as monogamous or open, what if we judged our relationships by such terms as authentic, truthful, devoted, loving, and honest? I believe both monogamous and open relationships can exhibit these qualities. And I believe both monogamous and open realtionships can exhibit qualities that are dishonest, false, deceptive, and unloving.

My point with Mo'Nique is not to advocate for open marriage. My point is to envision a world in which all relationships - whether monogamous or not - are characterized by honesty, truthfulness, devotion, and amazing love. To let the question "Is this relationship life-giving?" be a key measuring rod for health. To dream of a culture that supports, nurtures, and encourages the realization of these positive values in all marriages.

The first step towards this dream is honesty. And Mo'Nique modeled that quality for us on Sunday night. I hope the conversation of truth-speaking continues.

A West Coast Winter Spirituality

One of the best things about Vancouver is the very un-Canadian nature of its' winters. While the rest of the country is digging out from mounds of snow, we on the west coast need nothing more than an umbrella and a good warm jacket. Winter temperatures are bitter cold in Canada and require many layers of clothing in order to stay somewhat warm. However even in the dead of winter, Vancouver temps may dip right at or just below freezing at night. And during the daytime, the temps average between 7 and 9 degrees Celcius (44 and 48 degrees Farenheit). Being from the American South and therefore pretty fragile when it comes to extreme cold, I rejoice in these mild winters.

My spiritual life has begun to draw from the rich traditions of earth-based spiritualities. I look at each season as not just 4 months in a year, but as a season of life that I can grow into and grow with. Living in a country with a cold climate, much of the writings and discussions concerning a winter spirituality reflects that cold climate reality. Dead. Barren. Snowy. But what does a winter spirituality look like coming from a place that doesn't fit the norm? The west coast winters are typically rainy with cool, mild temperatures. Far from barren, the place is green year-round. Vibrant. Misty. You can hike and play golf year round here as well. So what does it mean for me to enter into a winter spirituality while living in a rain forest on the west coast of North America?

As I've reflected on this, a few images have emerged. One is that of reflection. Generally speaking, Vancouver winter days are shorter, greyer, and darker than during any other season. Even though we have winter sunshine, the darkness is the dominant trend. As a response to this, people tend to gather together with family and friends in a different way. With a winter energy. Enjoying steaming winter soups. Drinking hot beverages. Huddling together. A west coast winter spirituality first calls me to reflection. To allow the shorter days to remind me to rest. To look inward and take inventory of my life. Spend extended time in prayer to consider how my life reflects my values and the vision I have for myself. Listen for that still, small voice.

Another image is that of cleansing. One of the reasons that Vancouver is so beautiful is because we have plentiful amounts of rain. Beautiful, gentle west coast rain. We live in a rainforest, and the lushness of that fact is evident. 90% of our 46 inches of annual rain falls in the winter. So a west coast winter spirituality calls for cleansing. Purging. Just like the winter rain washes all the dirt off city sidewalks and buildings, so the winter season is a time for personal cleansing. A west coast spirituality encompasses a flushing out of all the "junk" that can build up in my life. A time to slow down from the fast-paced, active summers and let the gentle, light rains clean the soul. What toxic attitudes have found their way into my heart? What thought patterns that limit spiritual growth need to be washed away? Through spiritual practices, a west coast winter spirituality is one of releasing accumulated toxins that come from living in our modern world.

A final image is that of refreshment. Because the temperatures are mild, the snow is rare, and the trees and surrounding mountains are green year-round, we west coasters can get out and enjoy our winters. We hike, golf, ski, snowboard, sip coffee at outdoor cafes, and take walks around the seawall right in the middle of January. A west coast winter spirituality is one in which we are refreshed. We don't have to wait until the spring thaw to see signs of life - those signs are all around us during our winters. The sound of the ocean waves. The thick, majestic spruce and fir trees with their vibrant colour. The sound of laughter and conversation on a Sunday afternoon as people stop along the sidewalk to visit with friends. In winter, we still sense a connection to all living things because signs of vibrant life are all around us. Different than the spring renewal and quieter than a loud summer party, the winter refreshment is tranquil. Composed. Unruffled. It gently refreshes our spirit as we journey through this season.

So I now begin to look forward to winters. Winters in which I let the shorter, darker days call me to reflection, prayer, and inventory-taking of my life. Instead of complaining about what can seem to be relentless rain, I instead use that as a reminder to take time to detoxify and release all the negativity and junk that has built up over the last 3 seasons so that I emerge more loving, centered, and whole. And I allow the signs of continuing winter life all around me to bring refreshment and renewal to my soul.

A west coast winter - I think I like it!

Fed Up!

Since I was outed 2 weeks ago in front of the entire church by my senior minister as a "church geek", I have decided to embrace it and not hide it any longer. I'm actually very happy that everyone knows I'm a church geek now - there is freedom when one comes out of their particular closet. One practice that church geeks engage in - or at least this church geek - is surfing the web to look at church and denominational websites online. I like to see their ministries, read about their staff, get a sense of their mission in the world, and read their sermons online. Yes - I read sermons online. I came upon the website for the Mennonite Brethern denomination, an evangelical group here in Canada. While perusing the site, I found an interesting little document entitled "Homosexuality: A Compassionate Yet Firm Response". Hmmmmmm After reading it, something shifted inside me. A sense of holy anger began to fire within. And I believe that this is the type of shift that happens at significant times in life that alter and change the timbre of one's direction. This pamphlet laid out a supposed compassionate response to homosexuality. In actuality, it was full of logical inconsistencies and bad theology. And as a gay Christian, I didn't see much compassion.

As I read this pamphlet shaking my head with a mixture of anger and utter sadness, I made a decision. I made a decision that I will no longer debate the issue of homosexuality in the church any longer.

I'm tired of patiently waiting for the church with its' endless national conferences, discussion groups, church study reports, and congregational meetings to decide what to do with "the issue of homosexuality".

I'm tired of getting clobbered by a twisted reading of Scripture and a flawed hermeneutical method that attempts to show "God's plan for the family". But the same interpretive method used to condemn me is conveniently set aside when looking at other social issues in Scripture. Hello cafeteria-style Bible study.

I'm fed up with tolerating the most incredible statements made to me all in the name of the notorious face-saving quote of "loving the sinner but hating the sin". The statements that many Christians have said to me in no way reflect a Gospel, Biblical love. Make these same statements to another group in society and there could be legal action.

I'm angered by the conservative church's refusal to acknowledge the failure rate of ex-gay ministries. Our church is one of several congregations in the church world that see the ugly side of ex-gay ministries that no one wants to talk about. Broken people come to us after surviving these ministries and can't even believe that God loves them. Something as basic as "God loves me" is difficult for them to accept. People like myself who tried to experience authentic change, who truly opened ourselves up to God as much as we could to allow the "healing" to come, and people who are in shambles because no such change occured come to our doorsteps. People in tears; lives that are shattered; hope abandoned.

I'm in tears over how long it is taking the church to change and for justice to flow like a mighty river. It's excrutiating. But it took the Southern Baptist Convention over 100 years to apologize for its' miscarriage of justice involving the institution of slavery, so why am I in such a rush. "Oh but that's different than homosexuality". Please - spare me the rhetoric.

Just as I don't coddle a person who believes the earth is flat, that women shouldn't be ordained or in leadership positions in the church, and that mixed race marriages are morally wrong, I will not tip toe around someone who still believes that homosexuality is a sin or at the least is not God's best. If a person is honestly sincerely seeking the truth regarding same sex attraction and orientation, there are plenty of theological readings, scientific and psychological studies, and most importantly testimonies of faithful gay women and men with amazing, fulfilled lives and an authentic and vibrant faith. For people who get their head out of the sand long enough, there is ample evidence - Biblical, theological, and existential - that bring truth to this matter.

The church will eventually change its' position and will issue apologies just like it has on past social issues. I pray that this repentance occurs in my lifetime. Since I see glimmers of hope for change occuring within pockets of the church, I am cautiously optimistic. My prayer is that the institutional church will learn from history, and right the wrongs sooner than later.

Opening My Heart Centre

I went to the gym this past weekend, worked out with my weight lifting routine, and ended my session with yoga. I started to go to the gym another time the week before, but opted instead to participate in a yoga session. I have my Gospel Choir rehearsal on the 2nd Thursday evening of each month. The choir rehearsal cuts into my regularly scheduled Thursday night yoga class. Instead of skipping the yoga class entirely, I left the class early and arrived just in time for choir. I even bought a Vinyasa Flow Yoga DVD so I can get on the mat anytime I want in the comfort of my living room. In short, I dig yoga! I find myself craving it. Loving it. Entering into it. Meeting the Divine within the practice.

I had an "aha" moment in regards to my yoga practice and spiritual life this past weekend at the gym. After lifting weights, I decided to end my workout session with some yogic moves. As I began to move through the movements.....half lotus......downward dog........child's pose.....cobra pose......bow pose......fixed firm.......plank.......spinal massage......, a deep sense of connection occurred within. The music on my ipod during my practice was a beautiful arrangement from the movie "Across The Universe" of the Beatle's hit "Let It Be". As I let the music fill my soul and as I entered into the movements - really let myself surrender to the openness that comes with a yoga practice - I connected. Connected to myself, connected to my God, connected to every living thing, connected to the Universe. My spirit was nourished. And I believe I moved a bit more towards full integration of my entire being which is one of yoga's many gifts. Ultimately words fail to convey the mystery of yoga. Like music, yoga must be experienced to be understood. This past Saturday afternoon though, I experienced a deeper awareness of the essence of a yoga practice. Beyond the physical sweat and flexibility exercises, yoga is about oneness. Connection. Integration. Completeness.

One of the poses that has captured my imagination is the camel pose (pictured above). The camel pose is a very powerful pose and opens your heart centre. I like to think that I am very open-minded.....and open-hearted. But as I practice this and other poses, I realize my heart isn't quite as open as I would like to think it is. However, my own heart centre is beginning to open more and more as I stay on my mat. And I am starting to notice the tangible results of these heart-openers in my life. I'm more aware of my yearning to be open in every way. My heart is softening more and more. In church yesterday morning during Thanksgiving Day service, I began to spontaneously cry during one of the hymns because I was in a thankful place and so incredibly grateful for the blessings of life. My emotions are present with me as I journey through life. And it's a beautiful thing. Thank you God for the gift and mystery of yoga.

Gotta run! The mat is calling my name........

A Wedding Like No Other

It was a beautiful sunny Vancouver day in mid-September. The kind of day that still feels like summer even though we all know that these types of glorious days are numbered and fall is just around the corner. Nevertheless there is sunshine, warm temps, and amazing energy in the air, so we'll take it!

It was a beautiful sunny Vancouver day for a wedding. This particular service had all the elements that comprise a nice, traditional wedding. A large, downtown, gothic-style church building. The longest centre aisle of any church in the entire city of Vancouver. 10 attendants. A flower girl and ring bearer. A pipe organ to provide beautiful fanfare for such a special occasion. And of course 2 grooms joining their lives together in holy matrimony. What a minute!! OK maybe it isn't an ENTIRELY traditional wedding. I have to admit that since British Columbia legalized same sex marriage in 2003 (with the entire country of Canada following suit in 2005), I had not been to a same sex wedding ceremony of this scale. Most of my gay friends who married (including David and me) had very intimate, small, non-traditional ceremonies held in big homes with ocean views, in Stanley Park, or in the privacy of a downtown condo. But this wedding on Saturday had all the bells and whistles that one could possibly think of. My part was to play the piano during the ceremony, lead 2 congregational hymns, and sing a solo during the Signing of the Registry. Everything was ready to go for a prompt 2:00pm start. The 2 grooms - Kevin and Ryan - looked dapper in their tuxedos. The beautiful sanctuary was full of family and friends. And I was all set to be a part of this wonderful occasion in the life of my 2 friends.

It was a beautiful sunny Vancouver day in which to unexpectedly and profoundly witness God's Kingdom revealed, advanced, and experienced. One of my favourite Bible stories is that of Peter and the vision of the unclean animals (Acts 10: 9 - 48). In this vision, Peter sees a sheet descending from heaven full of unclean animals - animals that Peter would never touch or eat because they were considered unclean. Unacceptable. Sinful. Yet a voice commanded Peter to eat all the animals that were on the sheet. Peter said no. The voice said yes. Peter said no. The voice said yes. When Peter continued to resist, he heard this powerful statement from the heavens: "What God has made clean, you must not call profane." That is my favourite line from this entire story. What God has made clean, you must not call profane. A new era had arrived in the early church. Previous understandings of what's clean and what's not......who is clean and who isn't.......what is accepted and what isn't........were being turned upside down. Those who previously were thought to be outside the Christian community were now being accepted into the community of faith.

I'm so grateful that the story of Peter and the unclean animals did not stop in the Book of Acts. This amazing story of the inclusion of those who were previously thought to be outside the kingdom of God has continued throughout history. Groups and classes of people who had been denied any type of full participation in the life of the church were being welcomed in as more chapters of that vision were being written. Their gifts, callings, and contributions were being recognized. Previous understandings and readings of certain Scripture passages were being re-interpreted. The circle was being enlarged and widened. Because of Galileo's courage in the 1600s against the prevailing geocentric position of the organized church, we came to see that science and faith are not enemies, but 2 sides of the same coin. Because of the outspoken witness of many women with obvious gifts to ordained ministry in a time when they were denied their full calling, we now welcome women into the leadership and ordained ministry of the church. Because of the bold witness of mixed race couples in a time when the church named their love as sinful because "it's against the Bible", we now celebrate mixed race marriages in our communities. And I witnessed on Saturday another chapter being written in that vision of the unclean animals. Same sex love - in many churches today still considered "unclean" - was blessed, affirmed and celebrated! In a transcendant way, the love, the blessing, the tangible sense of Spirit filled me to overflowing with joy, gratitude, and a sense that the vision of God's Kingdom - including and blessing those who were previously considered unclean - moves forward! I was in tears just taking in the significance of that vision moving forward here in my lifetime in this time and place.

It was a beautiful, sunny Vancouver day.........

In Praise of Vancouver

Vancouver, British Columbia - how do I love thee? Let me count the ways......

* for your magnificent natural setting. With the ocean meeting up with the Coast Mountains, it's an unbeatable foundation for a world class city. When I used to live in North Carolina, I had to choose between going to the beach or going to the mountains. Here, I can lay out at the beach while viewing the majestic mountains.

* for your wonderful diversity. Today while walking home from brunch, I passed many groups of people who weren't speaking English. Vancouver embraces every group imaginable and weaves them into her fabric. The world is here in Vancouver. If you don't dig diversity, you won't like our fair city.

* for your vibrant downtown core. David and I have never lived in a downtown setting before moving here. Now you couldn't pay us to leave downtown. Everything we need is within blocks of our place. Within about 2 sq blocks of our home there's a coffee shop, grocery store, liquor store, wine bar, dry cleaners, medical clinic, sushi bar, bank, office supply store, and drug department store. We are blocks from the seawall. 4 blocks from my church. We walk everywhere. It's magical!

* for your wonderful weather. This is perhaps Vancouver's best kept secret. We tell everyone it rains here all the time. Pssst -it's not true (90% of Vancouver's yearly rainfall occurs during the winter only) Once I moved here, I found out that we tell everyone it rains all year long just to keep more Torontonians from moving here. Mild, wet winters. Beautiful, colourful springs. Warm, sunny, long summer days. Crisp, comfortable autumns. The flowers start blooming in late Feb-early March. Since it rarely snows here, Vancouver is green year-round. You can sit outside on cafe patios in the middle of January and have a coffee. It's truly an outdoor city.

* for your holistic lifestyle. Since moving to Vancouver, I have lost weight, gained muscle, increased my energy levels, and lowered my bodyfat percentage. At the age of 45, I am in the best shape of my life. Why? Physical fitness is par for the course here. Everybody's doing it. It's in the air. You "catch" it from others around you. Instead of meeting after work for a drinking frenzy, you meet on the slopes to ski. Instead of driving to a party, you walk or bike there. Almost without exception, every one of my friends from the USA who comes to visit me says "WOW - everyone is so fit here".

I could go on and on. Needless to say, David and I love it here. Many times we pinch ourselves to make sure we're not dreaming. I cannot imagine living anywhere else. Peace and light.

Reflections Upon Turning 45

My birthday was this past Friday, July 10. I turned 45 years old. Most people in popular culture would say that I am now clearly in middle age. According to the United Church of Canada, I am still a younger adult, although at the very jumping off point. My "real age" is 36 (NOW we're talking. To find out your real age, go to http://www.realage.com/). But at the end of the day, the words from the hymn "I Was There To Hear Your Borning Cry" describe my feelings at this stage of life: "In the middle ages of your life, not too old, no longer young. I'll be there to guide you through the night, complete what I've begun."

Looking back over my life thus far and particularly after my birthday party this past Friday night (GREAT party!! Thanks David for organizing it ), I am in a very grateful, thankful space.

* I am grateful for my Christian heritage. As noted in my very first blog, I was raised fundamentalist Christian. I now consider myself postmodern Christian. I REALLY wanted to be a Unitarian, but I missed the Christian framework. Without launching into all the reasons why I am not fundamentalist or even evangelical Christian anymore, I can say that I am grateful for the strong foundation of my Christian upbringing. Yes - I've had to get rid of the crap that comes with fundamentalism. Yes - I've had to re-frame my Christian faith. Yes - I've had to build my life with good, sound theology. BUT I am grateful for my strong Biblical knowledge, the love of Christ instilled in me (that evangelical "love affair with Jesus" is still there), and the key experiences of my early Christian formation (yes I've been "born again"). Most importantly, I am grateful that my early Christian heritage deposited and nurtured in me a seed of faith that is growing and thriving to this day.

* I am grateful for my wonderful upbringing. My Myers-Briggs score is ENFJ. I am a Type 3 (The Achiever) on the Enneagram. I am sanguine. Every career test I take indicates I should be in sales (which I am). Ask anybody who knows me, and they will tell you that I have a cheery, optimistic, can-do approach to life. I have to thank my amazing parents for their part in this. Our house was filled with laughter and good times. My parents supported me in everything I did. Was everything 100% perfect? Of course not. But I had a great childhood. And I do not take any of this for granted. Thank you Mom and Dad!

* I am grateful for the dark moments in my life. Even though I'm the cheery, happy, optimistic type, I am not immune from suffering and hard times. I have been through a divorce, agonized over my sexual orientation, spent 15 months in an ex-gay program in an attempt to "heal" me of my same sex attractions, finally came out of the closet and experienced rejection from the conservative, Christian community over my sexuality, spent time in therapy to help heal the wounds of fundamentalism in my life, and currently struggling with rebuilding my embattled business due to the global economic slowdown. But I embrace all this as part of the journey. Like my early Christian heritage, the dark nights of the soul also make me who I am today.

* I am grateful for my family. David Leon Watson and I have been together for almost 15 years, legally married for almost 5 years (since Canada legalized same sex marriage). The support, love, and encouragement he gives me is simply indescribable. We have been through thick and thin together, laughter and tears almost to the breaking point, but have emerged better people because of the other. Our home is a haven of rest. I love walking into our place - it is safe, accepting, warm, and full of love. It's a retreat for me from the outside world. We have followed our hearts and marched to the beat of our own drummer. And the fruits of our union are indeed good fruits of love, joy, peace, and kindness.

* I am grateful for my community. And this brings my blog back full circle, for it is my community of friends that initiated all this reflection anyway. Just like it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a community to form a man. I am utterly without words in describing the amazing joy I have in my community. David and I frequently talk about how blessed we are with so many wonderful friends. Friends who are quite different in many ways. Friends that bring so many different gifts to our lives that sharpen us and shape us. Friends that have been with us in our own dark nights of the soul. Friends that share laughter and encouragement, and that call us on our bullshit when needed. The Proverbs states that "he who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm." How true. My wise, wonderful friends have helped me grow in ways I never would have grown without them. We were never meant to do this alone. We need community. And the voice of wisdom is best discerned in the context of community.

So there you go. May I encourage everyone reading this to follow the path of your heart. Don't let others tell you what you should do, or what's best for you, or what's not best for you. The most liberating day of my life was when I decided to follow the Spirt of Truth within me that Jesus encouraged me to do. To decide to be a man of integrity. To be a man of honesty. To be a man with no excuses, no regrets, and no apologies for who he is. As Ghandi said: don't follow the beaten track, but find out the true path for yourself and follow it fearlessly. It's been a process and still continues.

No matter what age you are, follow your heart. Follow your dreams. Listen to the still small voice inside. Celebrate your past, your present, and your future. Realize you need others and can't do it alone. Open your heart and be vulnerable with your community. Give back to your world in some way - practice gratitude in action. And live life abundantly! Namaste.

The Scourge Of Fundamentalism

Yesterday was not a great day for me. Spiritually speaking that is. While I love Facebook, it sometimes opens up discussions and conversations that probably aren't the healthiest, particularly from people with whom I should probably not even attempt to enter into conversation. My partner David doesn't even "get" why I want to talk with people from high school when I didn't know them that well to begin with. I hear him. At the same time, there's something in me that demands authenticity. That demands transparency. Call it self-actualization. Call it the call of the Spirit. Call it Christian discipleship. Call it co-dependency or a need for approval. Personally, I go for the first 3. But whatever you call it, I was talking to some former high school classmates via Facebook about how I can be gay and Christian. These 2 people were just adament that I couldn't. A little bit of Scripture was thrown around. A little bit of "those terrorists want to take over our country" was thrown in (not sure how that relates to sexual orientation and faith), and a whole lot of frustration on my part. The last few posts assured me they were praying for me, and hope to see me in heaven. Unbelievable.



That conversation did such damage to my spirit. I'm mad at me for allowing myself to be subjected to all that. I'm mad at David cause he's right about why I am still talking to people from 25+ years ago. And I'm mostly mad and incredibly saddened that I still carry the wounds of fundamentalism in my core. None of the incredible discouragement that I feel is "conviction of the Holy Spirit for my sin" or "conviction for not following the truth path of Christianity" or anything like that. This is not conviction - conviction doesn't work like that. This is hurt and pain from the influences of bad religion. It's a painful admission: after years and years of being away from destructive religion and being surrounded by a loving community of faith, solid theology, and incredible integration and spiritual growth, I still feel the ugly residue inside of me from the faith of my youth.



Maybe that's how it's going to be - sort of like a wounded healer. And maybe that's a gift I have to offer to other hurting former-fundamentalists. I am in such peace and harmony in my spiritual walk today. I also must admit that there's a scourge within me from my fundamentalist past that will always be there. The tapes still play. The fear sometimes rears its' ugly head. Instead of bemoaning my fate or my past, I want to take the broken pieces from my past and use those as stones to build an altar upon which I pour my heart out to God, to others, and to our community. To pour out my heart for those gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered people who are told they and/or their "lifestyle" is sinful, an abomination, and un-acceptable. To those whose theology or belief system is not orthodox or mainstream or "acceptable". To anyone who is outside the "norm". I understand. And it's OK to admit the pain and frustration and sometimes isolation that at times accompany those of us on different or alternative paths. It's also OK to celebrate who you are and find like-minded communities to affirm this in joyous celebrations.



It was not a good day for me yesterday. But it was a great day for me to affirm that even the shadowy destructive forces in our lives can be transformed. Can be redemptive. So while I hate the fact that I was raised in a fundamentalist church, I also embrace this part of me as a gift, for it has made me who I am today. I embrace the wounded healer within, for it helps me to be more sensitive, more open, and more grateful for the man I am becoming today.

A Time Apart

I have just returned from a wonderful retreat at Rivendell Retreat Centre on Bowen Island, just off the coast of mainland BC. This place is just around 30 minutes from Vancouver, but feels worlds apart. At Rivendell, you are surrounded by mountains, ocean, thick forests of spruce, pin, and cypress. It's a truly sacred place - a holy space. Doris Kizinna and I led this retreat with younger adults from our church. Even though I was in leadership, I received so much from this time apart with God.

We informally started the retreat on Friday night with dinner at an incredible Italian restaurant on Bowen called Tuscany. Simply delicious! We then began our formal time together with an opening worship on Friday night, followed by a delicious feast of wine, cheese, and crackers. Saturday morning we enjoyed breakfast followed by a morning workshop on Creation Spirituality led by the minister from our church. The afternoon was left mostly open for retreatants to do as they wished. Both an optional hike and a Kundalini Yoga class were offered. Saturday dinner was an amazing meal of Indian food - simply too good to put in words! Saturday evening worship consisted of several stations of spiritual practices that were available in which each participant was invited to engage. Sunday morning ended our time together with a morning yoga session, brunch, and a closing circle.

This retreat was a first for our Younger Adult group. Based on the feedback, there will be many more to follow. And even though I was in leadership throughout the weekend, I was filled, refreshed, renewed, and connected in so many ways. In short:

* I am committed to Jesus Christ. This weekend affirmed the primacy of the life, ministry, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ in my spiritual journey. I come from an evangelical background, and many of my evangelical brothers and sisters are not in allignment nor approval of my path. To be sure, my journey draws from many traditions and sources, both Christian and non-Christian alike. My theology is anything but orthodox. Had I lived in the Middle Ages, I would have been considered a heretic. And I reject many evangelical tenets. At the same time, that "love affair with Jesus" has remained and this weekend I once again embraced that. Jesus has absolutely, positively captured my heart and won't let go, nor do I want Him to let go. Jesus Christ is my lense (not other's necessarily) through which I see and experience the Holy.

* I am committed to a more deeply lived spiritual life. The gifts of yoga, meditation, acupuncture, Scripture, prayer, and Christian community are rich wonderful gifts that enrich and expand my spirit. After this weekend of engaging in most of these precious practices, I am full of the Spirit. I am more loving. I am more open. I am more restful and centered. And I am ready to be of service to my fellow woman and man. These are certainly fruits of the Spirit that warrant nurturing.

I encourage everyone to periodically in your busy life get away for retreat. Get away to open your spirit to the Holy. To return renewed, refreshed, and ready to serve others in this hurting world. But most importantly, return more aware than ever that you are an incredible, loved child of God. Blessings and peace to all.

The Lenten Journey

I've done something that I wish to never do again - enter blogs only during holy seasons. My last blog entries were made over the season of Christmas. Then a long LONG absence. Now I'm making another entry on Ash Wednesday. My apologies.

Tonight, I attended an Ash Wednesday service at my church to initiate the season of Lent. Growing up, our church didn't observe Lent. Only those liberal and reprobate churches who didn't believe the Bible observed Lent. So we stayed clear of this season. It wasn't until I became a United Methodist (refer to my first blog entry for more about the United Methodists) that I first observed Lent. And let me tell you right now, I didn't like it. In fact, I LOATHED Lent. It's too much of a downer for a type A, driven, happy, glass-always-full, goal oriented, disgustingly optimistic, make-it-happen type of guy like myself. Reflective, silent, meditative, and intropective are not descriptors typically used for myself. I'm more of an Easter dude. Definitely like the resurrection. And LOVE Pentecost! Could do Pentecost every day of the year. But Lent? I just endured Lent year after year.

But thank God for grace eh? (that's the Canadian coming out in me). There's something to be said for spiritual disciplines practiced faithfully over time that finally break through and become mediators of God's grace. Such is the case for me with Lent. I think I'm starting to "get" Lent. In this particular season of my life, I am looking forward to introspection, reflection, silence, and meditation. Not descriptors typically used for myself. But a wonderful compliment and challenge to my cheery, upbeat, driven, type A, fast paced personality. For me, this Lenten journey is an opportunity - a sacred space in my life - for me to reflect on my life, where I'm going, what I'm doing, what I'm becoming, and how I might live more faithfully in discipleship to Jesus Christ. Far from being a downer, Lent offers a gift of extended prayer and spiritual nourishment of a different energy. Not the loud "alleluias", but the still small voice of God's Spirit. And this year, I am so grateful to enter into that rhythm. Peace and light.