Yesterday was not a great day for me. Spiritually speaking that is. While I love Facebook, it sometimes opens up discussions and conversations that probably aren't the healthiest, particularly from people with whom I should probably not even attempt to enter into conversation. My partner David doesn't even "get" why I want to talk with people from high school when I didn't know them that well to begin with. I hear him. At the same time, there's something in me that demands authenticity. That demands transparency. Call it self-actualization. Call it the call of the Spirit. Call it Christian discipleship. Call it co-dependency or a need for approval. Personally, I go for the first 3. But whatever you call it, I was talking to some former high school classmates via Facebook about how I can be gay and Christian. These 2 people were just adament that I couldn't. A little bit of Scripture was thrown around. A little bit of "those terrorists want to take over our country" was thrown in (not sure how that relates to sexual orientation and faith), and a whole lot of frustration on my part. The last few posts assured me they were praying for me, and hope to see me in heaven. Unbelievable.
That conversation did such damage to my spirit. I'm mad at me for allowing myself to be subjected to all that. I'm mad at David cause he's right about why I am still talking to people from 25+ years ago. And I'm mostly mad and incredibly saddened that I still carry the wounds of fundamentalism in my core. None of the incredible discouragement that I feel is "conviction of the Holy Spirit for my sin" or "conviction for not following the truth path of Christianity" or anything like that. This is not conviction - conviction doesn't work like that. This is hurt and pain from the influences of bad religion. It's a painful admission: after years and years of being away from destructive religion and being surrounded by a loving community of faith, solid theology, and incredible integration and spiritual growth, I still feel the ugly residue inside of me from the faith of my youth.
Maybe that's how it's going to be - sort of like a wounded healer. And maybe that's a gift I have to offer to other hurting former-fundamentalists. I am in such peace and harmony in my spiritual walk today. I also must admit that there's a scourge within me from my fundamentalist past that will always be there. The tapes still play. The fear sometimes rears its' ugly head. Instead of bemoaning my fate or my past, I want to take the broken pieces from my past and use those as stones to build an altar upon which I pour my heart out to God, to others, and to our community. To pour out my heart for those gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered people who are told they and/or their "lifestyle" is sinful, an abomination, and un-acceptable. To those whose theology or belief system is not orthodox or mainstream or "acceptable". To anyone who is outside the "norm". I understand. And it's OK to admit the pain and frustration and sometimes isolation that at times accompany those of us on different or alternative paths. It's also OK to celebrate who you are and find like-minded communities to affirm this in joyous celebrations.
It was not a good day for me yesterday. But it was a great day for me to affirm that even the shadowy destructive forces in our lives can be transformed. Can be redemptive. So while I hate the fact that I was raised in a fundamentalist church, I also embrace this part of me as a gift, for it has made me who I am today. I embrace the wounded healer within, for it helps me to be more sensitive, more open, and more grateful for the man I am becoming today.
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Hi Curt,
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say that this is a really good post. My journey has taken me away from faith, I guess in part because of damning fundamentalism. You are correct in saying it is a scourge. I do not think it's what Jesus ever intended His religion to become. Certainly many who follow that path are not living as He would want them to!
All I can say is, keep doing what you are doing, and know that there are those out here who appreciate what you do and who you are! Keep fighting the good fight!
Hey Curt. Thanks for posting this, I just read it tonight and I am very proud of you.
ReplyDeletexo
Dawn
Hey Curt,
ReplyDeleteI read your post and your background, and I felt a response would be in order. While there are things in “Scourge…” that are accurate as to your feelings, etc, your thoughts about fundamentalism as a whole are--at best--distorted. While I do not know the two you were referencing, it is true that some people within fundamentalism may be mean, unkind, rude, or totally wrong (we come across them). But you must not allow the thinking of one or two, or even a few, to influence your feelings about fundamentalism as a whole. From your own account, you tell of an experience at college that shaped you as a professed homosexual. Your receptiveness in/to that situation, to an individual or more than one, must already have been developed over the years beforehand in your own heart and mind. No one jumps into the gutter from being a “tee totaler,” as the mind and heart makes many decisions and receives many influences along the pathway of life. In some ways, we can somewhat relate as we also must “heal” at times from experiences with those who claim to know the truth about certain issues, but without a shred of Scripture seek to force baseless ideas upon us. However, we cannot relate to a concept that one can be a Christian in good standing with God, while at the same time embracing an idea that is contrary to His design as He revealed in His Word. HE established the “norm” for sexual relations in the beginning when He made Adam and Eve. The standard isn’t what you or I feel. It is the design of our Creator…no matter how unloving and unkind someone may be in communicating this. It is the truth, and the truth that makes us free (John 8:32). No matter who may say, “I was born ____(insert GLBT, or whatever other alleged sexual preference/‘orientation’),” the design of our Creator stands from the beginning. If experience, feeling, or opinion is what you rely upon for truth, these are NOT a solid foundation but are like shifting sands of the sea. The design of our Creator is the solid foundation upon which we can and should seek to build our lives. It isn’t that ANY of us are perfect, but the design of God IS, and that is what we all should be seeking. The “shadowy destructive forces” in all of our lives are those influences (within or without) that would seek to draw us away from God and from His design for our lives. It is extremely clear from His Word that HIS design is not for same-sex sexual and/or marital relations. A clear recognition of this will, indeed, set us all free from bad experiences, our own wrong ideas, as well as the wrong ideas of others that seek to force them upon us.
Your friend,
Jeff