The Blessing Of Advent

I think that in the church year, my favourite season is the season of Advent. Growing up in a more evangelical background, Advent was not emphasized much. We talked about Advent, but didn't really take the time to savour the gifts this season brings. I first discovered Advent at Epworth United Methodist Church in Oklahoma City. This wonderful community of faith introduced me to the Advent journey.

Advent is a time of waiting. Of anticipating. Of expectancy. Of opening wide one's heart to the Holy. Advent isn't simply a precursor to the main Christmas event - it is a grace in it's own right. Yet at the same time, Advent IS a prelude to the Christmas miracle. I love Advent because it reminds me to prepare God room. It challenges me during its' 4 brief weeks to look for God in the unexpected places. Many times I look for Spirit in the typical types of situations - church events, times with friends, the singing of the carols, Christmas parties and cheer! But the call of Advent is to anticipate and welcome God in the unexpected - in the places where we think God isn't. What about God in the Christmas rush, stress, and kafuffle? In the broken relationships of our lives? In the misunderstandings and tears? In the grave diagnosis from the doctor? In the conversations with the sex trade worker? The wealthy businesperson whose primary concern this Christmas is increased sales, not the birth of a babe? Is God present there?

Who would have expected the Light of the world to be born in a barn? Would our churches proclaim that God is not only present in, but is well pleased with a teenaged girl - not married and pregnant - who approached our steps? Is God in this unexpected place? If she were at least married, then maybe - but this?

Advent is the time when I remember to look for God all around me. To be open to the touch of Holiness in expected AND unexpected places. To give voice and attention to those unrealized dreams and visions for which I yearn. To use the oil of grace to heal and soften the rusted gates of my heart and prepare Him room, even in those situations in which I perceive God to be absent.

Let every heart prepare God room this season. Happy Advent everyone!

Happy Thanksgiving!

It has been a while since my last entry. And I don't want that to happen again. My commitment is to practice regular journaling of my amazing journey.

I just returned from our church service on the Sunday of this Thanksgiving weekend, and all I can say is that I am blessed. I am thankful for many, many things in my life. First and foremost my family. David and Toro add such joy, delight, groundedness, and completion to my life. I am thankful for the many friends I have that really are family to me. I am grateful to live in Vancouver - a truly magical city. And I am thankful for my community of faith - St Andrews Wesley United Church. There are several reasons why this church is such a gift to me, and I've decided to lay out a few of those reasons below:

* for its' strong sense of mission. Not in the sense of conversion, but of love in action. This church is serious in the call of Jesus to spread the love of God to our neighbours. From an active and engaged End Homelessness Now action group, Homes to Heal (raising funds to supplement rent for young adults with mental illness), and Food For First (food to support the First United Mission downtown to the hungry), St Andrews Wesley also partners with and supports the Boys R Us Outreach (a drop in centre for male and transgendered sex trade workers).

* for its' commitment to religious diversity. We are on the 4th Sunday of a 6 week series entitled Exploration in World Religions. As Christians, what gifts and truths do our brothers and sisters in other faiths offer us? How do these offerings enrich and enlarge our own Christian journey? Today we explored Judaism. Next week we look at and examine the offerings of Islam.

* for its' commitment to Christian discipleship. Here the Christian tradition is affirmed and lived out. The Bible is taken seriously, but not literally. The gifts and grace of God are celebrated through song, prayer, Bible study, embodied spirituality such as yoga, and authentic relationships with each other. And the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ is our lense to the holy and we live in relationship with God through Jesus.

These are just a few of the reasons why I love my church and wanted to give thanks for such a wonderful community. What better time than on a beautiful sunny Thanksgiving Day to do that. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Gonna Take Some Time For Healing

I can see me pulling through. Finding out I'm someone who is moving on and letting go. Picking up the pieces on the road to healing. Gonna take some time, I'm on the mend, I'm healing. Starting over at the end and feeling stronger than I've ever been - I'm healing. Healing (sung by Wynonna Judd and Michael English)


I'm in a very healing phase of my life now. There's lots going on inside that I don't fully grasp or understand. At the same time, there's a deep cleansing going on that feels like the cool west coast rain washing away the debris from my past. With each subsequent cleansing shower, the healing touches a deeper sense of who I am. Clears the way for me to be the person I've always wanted to be: grounded, centered, authentic, whole, loving, truthful, connected in every way possible, and free.

Two weekends ago, I co-led a young adult retreat from the church. On the Sunday morning of that weekend, I participated in a guided meditation session. As we meditated in silence for a period of time, we were then directed to climb stairs starting with our age counting up to 100. At the top we were to open the door. No further instructions were given after that. As I opened the door, I immediately sensed a bright presence that continually spoke over me the phrase "well done good and faithful servant." "Well done good and faithful servant." Over and over. In my faith tradition, those words were usually spoken in the context of being welcomed into heaven. The after-life. Over there. For me in this meditation, those words were being spoken right now. Here. Present day. The phrase "well done good and faithful servant" was like a cleansing agent that began to wash away all the toxic debris that had accumulated in my life to this point. Toxicity from every word, image, influence, sermon, power, authority, relationship, and theology that was destructive and life-denying began to fall away from me. Unconditional love and grace were replaced. It was like this presence was affirming who I was right to my core. You're OK Curt. You don't need to prove yourself to anyone. You are accepted. As I began to share this afterwards with the group, tears of relief and healing began to flow freely.

I believe that the spiritual practices and guiding values of my life have helped open me to experience these deeper levels of healing. A determination to be authentic, honest, and full of integrity are HUGE values for me. I have been living those values more consistently lately. I am diligent in guarding my spirit from any voice of my religious past that is destructive. I look for eruptions of God's Spirit in the world. I follow in the way of Jesus. I practice an embodied spirituality through yoga, nutrition, physical training, and eros. I nurture all life-giving relationships. I affirm and respect the interdependent web of all existence of which I am a part. These amazing gifts continually stretch and open my heart to greater depths of healing.

Gonna take some time, I'm on the mend, I'm healing........

I Never Lost My Praise

I've lost some good friends along life's way
Some loved ones departed in Heaven to stay
But thank God I didn't lose everything.
I've lost faith in people who said they care.
In the time of my crisis they were never there.
But in my disappointment in my season of pain:
One thing never wavered one thing never changed


I never lost my hope.
I never lost my joy.
I never lost my faith.
But most of all - I never lost my praise.


I've let some blessings slip away
And I lost my focus and went astray
But thank God I didn't lose everything.
I've lost possessions that were so dear.
And I've lost some battles by walking in fear.
But in the midst of my struggle, in my season of pain:
One thing never wavered, one thing never changed

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The words of this powerful song have touched me profoundly ever since I began to arrange it for the Gospel Choir at my church. I have been in a perpetual state of gratitude and joy over the last several weeks. These lyrics tell the story of my life ever since I knocked down that closet door and came out as a gay Christian. What follows is a modern-day psalm of thanksgiving for God's faithfulness in my life at every single turn of my amazing journey.


"I never lost my hope"....Shortly after leaving the Exodus ex-gay ministry in Oklahoma City, I remember reading a magazine article about gay Christians faithfully following Christ. I remember contacting the organization (Evangelicals Concerned) to get more information. And I distinctly remember receiving that first newsletter from EC. I began to weep. Tears of relief. Tears of healing. And tears of hope that maybe reconciliation of my sexuality and my God was possible........


"I never lost my joy".....the Psalms have been such a comfort to me on this journey. Two passages in particular have strengthed me: "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Ps 34:18) and "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning" (Ps 30:5). Even though I experienced incredible pain and sorrow at the hands of "good church folk", the joy of the Lord that sustains and supports was always there, navigating me through those dark nights of the soul.


"I never lost my faith"....I'm one of the few ex-gay survivors who still believe. I put my faith through the fire of questions and experience. And it survived. Authentic. Strong. Real. Vibrant. Not the faith of my childhood. Not even orthodox. But a living, breathing, joyful faith that is salvific in every sense of the word.


"But most of all, I never lost my praise"....this is perhaps the greatest blessing in my life. In spite of the rejection from members of the evangelical church, in spite of the dark nights of the soul, in spite of incredible personal pain, I never lost that sense of awe and wonder with life. I never lost that deep-in-my-soul optimism in every situation. I never lost my belief in the fundamental goodness of all people. In essence, I never lost my praise. I made peace with my God. I opened my heart to the many manifestations of Spirit in our world. And I continue to live in a place of gratitude and thanksgiving. Thanks be to God.

Bravo To Mo'Nique!

It may not work for many marriages, but Mo'Nique says it works for her. She and her husband, Sidney Hicks, have an open marriage, though she claims she has never cheated on him. In an interview with Barbara Walters for her 29th annual Oscars special, Mo'Nique explained: “Do we have sex outside of the marriage? Let me say this. I have not had sex outside of my marriage with Sidney. Could I have sex outside of my marriage with Sidney? Yes. Could Sid have sex outside of his marriage with me? Yes. That’s not a deal breaker. That’s not something that we would say, ‘Oh my God because you were attracted to another person and because you happened to have sex let’s end the marriage.'" She went on to say "we’ve been best friends for- is it over 25 years? And we truly know who we are. Truly. Often times people get into marriages and they don’t know who they’re laying next to. I’m very comfortable and secure with my husband.”

I love authentic, real people that lay it on the line and speak truth, even when that truth will get them burned at the stake of public opinion. Mo'Nique has done that by sharing her marital arrangement with Barbara and the world. Instead of towing the prevailing cultural party line of monogamy when it comes to marriage, she has instead offered another valid path. Instead of lying to the public, she has very courageously, fearlessly, and truthfully shared her heart.

I believe that monogamy is a very appropriate and wonderful arrangement for marriage. I believe there are very good reasons why. And I believe the choice of monogamy should be absolutely honoured and affirmed. At the same time, monogamy is not the only choice when it comes to relationships. There are relationships in which varying degrees of openness work. And, like monogamy, those options should be honoured and affirmed as well.

A friend of mine who is involved in social work attests that many, many marriages are marked by deception when it comes to sexual ethics. Many marriages are "open" except one of the partners does not know that it's open. Surely there is a better way.

Sex is intrinsically powerful. Tricky. Delicate. Explosive. The path to healthy sexuality is ongoing and can be a bit elusive at times. But one thing I know: healthy relationships require complete honesty. And when functioning at their best, healthy relationships are life-giving. Questions such as "Is it honest?" and "Is it life-giving?" are very appropriate questions to ask when evaluating a relationship. What would our relationships and marriages look like if we measured them by the degree of honesty shown by the partners and by how life-giving and life-affirming the very nature of the union is itself? Instead of judging our relationships by such terms as monogamous or open, what if we judged our relationships by such terms as authentic, truthful, devoted, loving, and honest? I believe both monogamous and open relationships can exhibit these qualities. And I believe both monogamous and open realtionships can exhibit qualities that are dishonest, false, deceptive, and unloving.

My point with Mo'Nique is not to advocate for open marriage. My point is to envision a world in which all relationships - whether monogamous or not - are characterized by honesty, truthfulness, devotion, and amazing love. To let the question "Is this relationship life-giving?" be a key measuring rod for health. To dream of a culture that supports, nurtures, and encourages the realization of these positive values in all marriages.

The first step towards this dream is honesty. And Mo'Nique modeled that quality for us on Sunday night. I hope the conversation of truth-speaking continues.

A West Coast Winter Spirituality

One of the best things about Vancouver is the very un-Canadian nature of its' winters. While the rest of the country is digging out from mounds of snow, we on the west coast need nothing more than an umbrella and a good warm jacket. Winter temperatures are bitter cold in Canada and require many layers of clothing in order to stay somewhat warm. However even in the dead of winter, Vancouver temps may dip right at or just below freezing at night. And during the daytime, the temps average between 7 and 9 degrees Celcius (44 and 48 degrees Farenheit). Being from the American South and therefore pretty fragile when it comes to extreme cold, I rejoice in these mild winters.

My spiritual life has begun to draw from the rich traditions of earth-based spiritualities. I look at each season as not just 4 months in a year, but as a season of life that I can grow into and grow with. Living in a country with a cold climate, much of the writings and discussions concerning a winter spirituality reflects that cold climate reality. Dead. Barren. Snowy. But what does a winter spirituality look like coming from a place that doesn't fit the norm? The west coast winters are typically rainy with cool, mild temperatures. Far from barren, the place is green year-round. Vibrant. Misty. You can hike and play golf year round here as well. So what does it mean for me to enter into a winter spirituality while living in a rain forest on the west coast of North America?

As I've reflected on this, a few images have emerged. One is that of reflection. Generally speaking, Vancouver winter days are shorter, greyer, and darker than during any other season. Even though we have winter sunshine, the darkness is the dominant trend. As a response to this, people tend to gather together with family and friends in a different way. With a winter energy. Enjoying steaming winter soups. Drinking hot beverages. Huddling together. A west coast winter spirituality first calls me to reflection. To allow the shorter days to remind me to rest. To look inward and take inventory of my life. Spend extended time in prayer to consider how my life reflects my values and the vision I have for myself. Listen for that still, small voice.

Another image is that of cleansing. One of the reasons that Vancouver is so beautiful is because we have plentiful amounts of rain. Beautiful, gentle west coast rain. We live in a rainforest, and the lushness of that fact is evident. 90% of our 46 inches of annual rain falls in the winter. So a west coast winter spirituality calls for cleansing. Purging. Just like the winter rain washes all the dirt off city sidewalks and buildings, so the winter season is a time for personal cleansing. A west coast spirituality encompasses a flushing out of all the "junk" that can build up in my life. A time to slow down from the fast-paced, active summers and let the gentle, light rains clean the soul. What toxic attitudes have found their way into my heart? What thought patterns that limit spiritual growth need to be washed away? Through spiritual practices, a west coast winter spirituality is one of releasing accumulated toxins that come from living in our modern world.

A final image is that of refreshment. Because the temperatures are mild, the snow is rare, and the trees and surrounding mountains are green year-round, we west coasters can get out and enjoy our winters. We hike, golf, ski, snowboard, sip coffee at outdoor cafes, and take walks around the seawall right in the middle of January. A west coast winter spirituality is one in which we are refreshed. We don't have to wait until the spring thaw to see signs of life - those signs are all around us during our winters. The sound of the ocean waves. The thick, majestic spruce and fir trees with their vibrant colour. The sound of laughter and conversation on a Sunday afternoon as people stop along the sidewalk to visit with friends. In winter, we still sense a connection to all living things because signs of vibrant life are all around us. Different than the spring renewal and quieter than a loud summer party, the winter refreshment is tranquil. Composed. Unruffled. It gently refreshes our spirit as we journey through this season.

So I now begin to look forward to winters. Winters in which I let the shorter, darker days call me to reflection, prayer, and inventory-taking of my life. Instead of complaining about what can seem to be relentless rain, I instead use that as a reminder to take time to detoxify and release all the negativity and junk that has built up over the last 3 seasons so that I emerge more loving, centered, and whole. And I allow the signs of continuing winter life all around me to bring refreshment and renewal to my soul.

A west coast winter - I think I like it!